How to Speak to Influence | Ep 054

Find Your Voice, Own the Room: Communication Secrets from the Expert

Whether you're struggling to be heard at the dinner table, preparing for a difficult conversation with a loved one, or gearing up for a work presentation, communication expert Dr. Laura Sicola reveals the life-changing techniques that work in any situation.

➡️  Meet the Guest:  Dr. Laura Sicola
With a  University of Pennsylvania education in cognitive linguistics and a revolutionary TEDx talk that's inspired millions, Dr. Sicola brings both scientific expertise and real-world wisdom to everyday communication challenges. While she's coached Fortune 500 executives and UN leaders, her true passion lies in helping anyone who's ever felt unheard find their voice and make it count.

Discover:
💫 How to make people truly listen when you speak (no more being talked over!)
💫  The psychology behind why some voices command attention while others get ignored
💫 Simple tricks to boost your confidence before important conversations
💫 Ways to disagree respectfully while still getting your point across
💫  Techniques for speaking authentically in any situation - from family gatherings to job interviews

➡️ Chapters
[0:02] Finding Your Voice: The Art of Speaking to Influence
[3:59] Mastering Executive Presence (Even If You're Not an Executive)
[17:46] Game-Changing Communication Techniques Anyone Can Use
[24:34] Transform Your Voice: From Hesitant to Confident
[27:55] Discover Your Leadership Voice (It's Already Inside You!)

➡️ Highlights
[2:06] "Stop Doubting, Start Speaking" - Learn why most people hold back (and how to break free)
[4:33] The Three C's Revolution - A simple framework that changes everything about how you communicate
[18:41] The Preparation Playbook - Dr. Sicola's foolproof system for nailing any important conversation 
[24:29] Social Media's Hidden Impact - How modern media is secretly changing your speaking style 
[26:52] DIY Voice Transformation - Professional techniques you can practice at home (no coach needed!) 
[33:23] Beyond Theory: Real Success Stories - Inspiring transformations and how to create your own 

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Connect with our Hosts:
Stacey: https://www.instagram.com/staceymgrant/
Mark: https://www.instagram.com/mark_lubragge_onair/

➡️ More about the guest:  
Website:https://laurasicola.com/
Book: Speaking to Influence: https://www.amazon.com/Speaking-Influence-Mastering-Leadership-Voice/dp/B0CP4D611Z/ref=sr_1_1?crid=2T5P4JUAQPSH6&keywords=speaking+to+influence+mastering+your+leadership+voice&qid=1703227556&s=books&sprefix=speaking+to+influence%2Cstripbooks%2C301&sr=1-1
Podcast: Speaking to Influence: https://speakingtoinfluence.com/podcast/

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➡️ Thanks for watching:
#Communication, #ExecutivePresence, #Voice, #Delivery, #Interactions, #CognitiveLinguistics, #CommunicationHurdles, #CommunicationSty

Transcript

00:02 - Stacey (Host)
Hey, mark, are you going out to the street? To put more money in your parking meter. 

00:10 - Mark (Host)
I don't really appreciate your own speed. 

00:14 - Stacey (Host)
What's that called Verbal fry, vocal fry, vocal fry. 

00:18 - Mark (Host)
Just two of the many things that people could do wrong when they're trying to speak to influence. 

00:23 - Stacey (Host)
What is your executive presence? 

00:28 - Mark (Host)
I actually work hard on my executive presence. 

00:30 - Stacey (Host)
You do, I do, but you're on live TV. 

00:32 - Mark (Host)
Yeah, like on the TV in front of my class here, not executive presence, but just presence. 

00:38 - Stacey (Host)
Do you work on it here? No, I don't see it. 

00:42 - Mark (Host)
No but, like when I'm talking to a guest. 

00:44 - Stacey (Host)
When you're talking to a guest, but not me, no, no because that's like us sitting at a bar type of vibe, that's true, I guess, type of vibe, except for there's no alcohol. 

00:54 - Mark (Host)
So we are having fun with the content from today's episode with Dr Laura Ciccola. She is a she's an author, she's a communication expert, she's a TEDx speaker. 

01:06 - Stacey (Host)
She's she's out there. She does an awful lot. She has a book which I didn't even know podcast. 

01:09 - Mark (Host)
She's got everything about speaking to influence and it's um, it's, it's enlightening. You know, we all have to have conversations and I even say in the intro, like we have these conversations, then we're like damn it, that didn't go the way I wanted it to go or I didn't say what I wanted it to say Right, you keep saying let's cut that, let's cut that. Right. 

01:25 - Stacey (Host)
Yeah, and we don't. I keep it in every time. Yeah. But, she could do like impressions. Like you know, I didn't even I was going to ask her to do her Fran Drescher impression. If you watch her TEDx talk. 

01:48 - Mark (Host)
Oh yeah, she has it all she's beautiful, she's funny, she's great, she's smart and she's great at getting her point across to help the people that are listening, because there's frameworks on how to have those conversations Not just how to have a conversation, but you need to walk in and influence whether it's an audience of one or an audience of a hundred. How do you set yourself up for that goal? 

02:01 - Stacey (Host)
What are the three C's Command? Command the room set yourself up for that goal. What are the three C's Command? 

02:05 - Mark (Host)
Command the room. 

02:06 - Stacey (Host)
Connect with the audience. Connect with the audience and close the deal. And close the deal. That's the speaking to influence part Influence people to something, and she really tells you how to do that. So this is like. This is a really good one, like I feel like everyone should watch this and listen to this. You're going to love it, don't you agree? 

02:19 - Mark (Host)
100%. This is one of my favorite. Yeah, for sure. All right, I'm going to go work on my executive presence Me too. Enjoy the episode. Talk to Lars. 

02:30 - Stacey (Host)
Hi, I'm Stacey. 

02:31 - Mark (Host)
And I am Mark, and this is the Guru's Game Changers podcast. Hey, welcome everybody. So have you ever had a conversation where afterwards you found all those right words that you wish you had said? Right? Don't you hate that? 

02:46 - Stacey (Host)
Yeah, I hate that or worse. 

02:47 - Mark (Host)
Maybe you have the words and maybe they just didn't land right. You were maybe ignored or dismissed. Why do you think that is right? Is it your voice Is? 

02:56
it your presence or lack thereof? Is it your delivery? Is it all of these things and more? Today's guest, dr Laura Sokola, is an author, a speaker, a communication expert. She has your answer because for the last 15 years she has been helping people understand that everything about them can either help or hurt every time they open their mouths to speak. And today she's going to do that for you. Doctor, thank you for coming on the show, welcome. 

03:23 - Dr. Laura Sicola (Guest)
Thank you so much. I'm excited to be here. Please call me Laura. 

03:26 - Stacey (Host)
Knowing you were coming today. I was joking around about it before we actually started the recording, but I was thinking how can I have executive presence in meeting Laura? Because that's kind of your gig, right? That's what you talk about. That's the TED Talk I watched really and I loved it, but I was wondering maybe we could kind of start there. What exactly is executive presence and how can people gain it if they don't already have it? 

03:50 - Dr. Laura Sicola (Guest)
Sure, I think it's such an important question because a lot of people go well, I'm not an executive per se in my job, so maybe it's not relevant for me. And I really want to debunk that myth because, whether you call it executive presence or leadership presence, or command presence, or whatever the idea is, when you talk, do people inherently, do they feel internally compelled to listen? Is there just something about the way that you're connecting with them that allows them to focus and hear both what you intend and what you say? So that's, that's really the key. And there's what I like to call the three C's of executive presence, which is the ability to command the room, connect with the audience and close the deal. So that's sweet and simple. 

04:33 - Stacey (Host)
And how did you come to those? What's your background? How did you get to the three C's? 

04:38 - Dr. Laura Sicola (Guest)
Actually as phrased. Those just came to me. One day I was thinking about it. 

04:42
They kind of popped in my head about maybe 10 or 12 years ago and I went yes, that you know, sometimes you're thinking about something forever and it's all over the place and then suddenly it just crystallizes. And that was a good one. When I knew that, I shared it with a colleague and she kind of perked up and went say that again. Wait, say that again. I went that's the reaction you want, because you know that the light bulb went off in somebody's head. That's what we want, and I'm a cognitive linguist by background. 

05:07
So my work is, my research was all looking at what is it that you, what you say, the way you say it, that makes what you say go in one ear and come out the other, or go in and stick and rattle around and do something hopefully useful in the brain of the other person, something hopefully useful in the brain of the other person. And so looking at how that translates to what creates the gap between what you think you said and what they think they heard. Well, that's something that people are interested in. So here we are. Yeah, so cool. 

05:37 - Mark (Host)
Let me ask a quick question since we're on the three C's. So command, connect and close. Let's just go to connect because we all know number one's public speaking is a number one fear for most people. So connecting at the very basic level is eye contact with whomever you're speaking to. But there's a mountain of difference between just connecting looking at you and connecting with you and commanding the room. How do you bridge that gap well for people who are very uncomfortable just speaking. 

06:06 - Dr. Laura Sicola (Guest)
Sure. Well, it's important to recognize that this is not just about public speaking in the traditional sense, like I'm public speaking here, we got microphones and all that fancy equipment, but it's any conversation you have where you're talking to someone other than yourself, that's public speaking. So a one-on-one could be a more formal presentation, could be a meeting. If you have an idea that you want to convey to somebody else and you want them to get it, that's public speaking. And it can be to your family, to your colleagues, to anybody, not just in the official job work environment. So connecting with the audience very simply means finding a way to establish a mutual understanding that you understand me and I understand you. We can be from totally opposite ends of the planet, but somehow we can. We nod our heads at each other, we go okay, I get you, you get me on at least one thread and that's what we're going to work forward. 

07:03 - Stacey (Host)
If you're speaking to an answer, you're speaking to one-on-one there has to. Is there a way to to make sure that you command their attention? 

07:12 - Dr. Laura Sicola (Guest)
so I'm going to give you the the most annoying teacher answer ever which is it always depends because it does. 

07:18 - Stacey (Host)
New is coming point. 

07:19 - Dr. Laura Sicola (Guest)
So think of it this way the one of the biggest um mental blocks that we often have, where we get in our own way, is we want to be ourselves right, but we also want to be able to get through to all sorts of different kinds of people, and we get stuck nowadays on this big word authenticity and it's like, well, I gotta be me. That's authentic. That's Authentic doesn't mean unfiltered, number one and authentic to be yourself. You're not a monolithic black or white. This is me. That's not me, right? I mean, I have an eight year old. I don't talk to him like this. 

07:56 - Mark (Host)
Right. 

07:56 - Dr. Laura Sicola (Guest)
Doesn't match, but it's not that one of these is the real me and one of these is fake. I just know that that's my mommy voice and you know this is my coach, my speaker, my trainer kind of voice because of what I'm talking about and who I'm talking to. So I'm going to adjust and the analogy you know, stacey, you mentioned, you saw my TED Talk that I like to use is the prismatic voice. Oh yeah, talk about that. So your prismatic voice. You ever have one of those little cryst-y things that hangs from maybe a rearview mirror or your kitchen window. Sunlight hits it, rainbow comes out the other side and you see it on the wall. Same way, you are that white light, the sunlight, and you've got all those colors in you. 

08:35
It's just a matter of what's the prism of the event or the moment that you're having with somebody and what color that's part of you needs to shine forward most. When I'm talking to my eight-year-old, we'll call it my yellow my mommy voice is going to shine more brightly because he doesn't need to see this side of me. You don't need as much of my yellow. So I'm going to tone that part down and I'm going to come up with a little bit more of my professional, authoritative whatever conversation language, and we'll call that my purple. So it's not that I'm hiding either, it's just one's not relevant for the context. So I'm going to turn up the part that's more relevant. Turn down it. It's all authentic, it's just contextually relevant and that's what's going to help me connect with you. 

09:16 - Mark (Host)
How are people hurting themselves unknowingly? How are they compromising? 

09:21 - Dr. Laura Sicola (Guest)
A lot of binary thinking the black or white, the, this is me, that's not me. Or I've heard, for example, a lot of women in power roles will talk to me and be frustrated and say well, you know, I have this reputation for being too aggressive or too intimidating or something like that. And they'll say I've tried being nice and that didn't work. So what am I supposed to do? That's binary thinking, right, I can be strong or I can be nice. Where did those two options come from and why are they considered to be not compatible? Why can't you? That's, I mean, that's the role of diplomacy, right? How can you make a point without making an enemy? How do you? 

10:09
That's really what tact is about Finding a way to flavor, to phrase, to shape that assertive, intentional, deliberate, decisive, in some ways, where necessary, non-negotiable side, but in a way that doesn't crush the other person's soul or doesn't completely dismiss their viewpoint or their other pressures or their concerns, et cetera. How do you balance the? How do you respect the integrity of the relationship and the integrity of the message at the same time? So, to find a way where you are clear they have understood what you need them to understand, but in a way that still doesn't, doesn't, as I mentioned before, crush them, where you still say, okay, we can. I need to correct you. I need to help you. I need your you to do x, y or z, but you don't feel like I'm talking down to you. You don't feel like I've disrespected you. You't feel like I'm talking down to you. You don't feel like I've disrespected you. You still feel like you appreciate my guidance and leadership. You may not like what I had to say, but you can receive it as intended. 

11:13 - Stacey (Host)
I feel like I am your perfect client, because I do. I feel like I have to call you immediately because I have been told in the past I'm way too casual. However, it makes me feel extremely, extremely uncomfortable. Having a vocal executive presence is what you call it. So what do you do with me? 

11:31 - Dr. Laura Sicola (Guest)
you don't have to suddenly put on a new persona and like be strong and be what you're more formal some people like to swear not me never. I've never used a bad word in my life, so but you know. 

11:41
Just you know, for those out there who hypothetically may have ever used that, we recognize there's a context where it's okay and there's a context where it's not right. In a prospecting meeting with the clients, probably not so much. Out at a football game with a bunch of buddies, I'm expecting it to get colorful, so but wreck, it's not again that it's me or not me, it's recognizing. That doesn't work for my ultimate purpose in this conversation here on this podcast. So I'm choosing to just put that set of vocabulary aside. What is your ultimate goal for the conversation? Then reverse engineer how you want to approach that conversation to get there more effectively. 

12:26 - Mark (Host)
So I'm sitting here thinking somebody listening right now probably many people listening right now are about to have a conversation right With their boss or with their spouse or something along those lines. 

12:36
And but I think you answered my question Give them the framework. You know you're the expert. Give them the framework for how to speak with influence to that person that they may be nervous to speak to. And maybe it is letting know what your goal is and reverse engineer. I like that. But what is there? A framework, or is there? What are the questions they need to ask themselves? 

12:58 - Dr. Laura Sicola (Guest)
That's. I'm glad that you framed it that way. What are the questions that people need to ask themselves? First, because they don't. Most people enter into a conversation from the very short sighted perspective of what do I want to say? And then they just go and whatever comes out of their mouth in open mouth, turn on fire hose method or, open mouth, trickle of drops, because that's all that they can seem to put together. Either way, it's very unidirectional. 

13:29
Think of a conversation as a journey and if you get in your car to take that journey and you turn on your GPS and say go, what's gonna happen? Nothing, because it's going to say go where, what's your desired destination? So in your conversational GPS you need to start with deciding what is the destination. Where do you want to go with this person? There's three levels of impact that we have in every conversation, that we have Emotional, cognitive and behavioral Meaning at the end of this exchange, how do I want this person to feel? What do I want them to think, understand, know, believe, etc. And how do I want them to respond? Or behave-term or long-term, either way. But you need to get to that cognitive and emotional if you are going to have the strongest likelihood of getting to that behavioral level first. So, if you can think through about okay, how do I? What's the nature of this conversation? Is it something that you're trying to pitch an idea to them that they're really excited about and you want them to get excited too? Is it where? Oh, this one's going to be a little sensitive and you want to just make sure that you're not ruffling any feathers? Are they a client? What's the nature of the relationship? How sensitive do you have to be? So, bearing in mind all of those kinds of things, decide the cognitive, emotional and behavioral impact that you want to have in the end and then figure out okay, how do I need to show up, how do I need to approach this conversation in order to get them to that final destination with me? 

15:04
Think about that prismatic voice piece. Do I need to come to allow my fun side to come out a little bit more? Do I need to have my very sensitive and delicate side coming through? Are they going to take it really sensitive? Are they going to be super personally sensitive about it? In which case, okay, like, let's just make sure that you understand I'm not angry at you. I need to keep my voice more even keel and just check every now and then, do a lot of things like what are called contrasting statements, like look, don't misunderstand, I'm not trying to do this, I'm not upset with you, I'm not whatever else. I just want to make sure you understand these kinds of things where it's not x but y. So those kinds of little structures can help if you want to make sure you don't talk with person down off the ledge afterward. So again, who is it? Where are they coming from? Where do you want them to go? Then calculate the route I like that. 

15:57 - Mark (Host)
I'm not. It sort of diffuses the bomb before the bomb is ever built I'm not trying to be cruel, but that is a preface is like oh dude, you're so bracing me to say something really cruel 

16:06 - Stacey (Host)
you're being cruel like no disrespect, but oh, yeah, yeah one of those. 

16:10 - Mark (Host)
Okay, good luck with that. 

16:12 - Dr. Laura Sicola (Guest)
But if it's, you know where you can sense that someone is already mentally going down a certain path that you don't want them to go. You read like they're they're bracing themselves. You can see their body language or their facial expressions. They're they're reading something negative into it. You stop and of course, your voice and your, your body language and other things are going to reinforce the validity or the invalidity of what you're saying. So it's like look, look. Please don't misunderstand, I'm not trying to. This is not a chastisement, this is not a whatever else. This is. I need to be able to watch the word, but the word but negates everything before it. But I just want to. So take the word, but out. I'm not doing this. I just want you to understand that that's different from I'm not doing this. But I need the but. That's a grenade. 

17:00 - Mark (Host)
What about the notion of the audience being a difficult audience? For instance, you have to talk to the bully at your company, on your team. Everyone knows he's a bully um has never been addressed. But you need to speak with influence to the bully. Or speak with influence to the person who's known for overreacting or just having an inappropriate reaction. 

17:27 - Dr. Laura Sicola (Guest)
What do we do? 

17:28 - Mark (Host)
there. What are the qualifiers? 

17:31 - Dr. Laura Sicola (Guest)
Those are really important scenarios to not look for a quick fix answer to. So if I were coaching you in that situation, I would ask you a dozen or maybe two dozen questions first to gain more information. In a meeting with a group of people, is that group of people one who's used to that bully and is aware of the bully's tactics and habits, or is it someone where you need that bully to not show those colors in the moment, whether it's for everybody's benefit, for your own reputational sake, for something else? How much power does the bully have? What's their relationship with you, with the other people in the room? What are their triggers? 

18:24 - Mark (Host)
Hey guys, thanks for listening. If you like what you're hearing, please leave us a review, give us a follow, subscribe, all those things. All those things. We love it because we read each and every comment and it helps shape the show, so we would appreciate it. 

18:37 - Stacey (Host)
Please, and back to the show. 

18:41 - Dr. Laura Sicola (Guest)
Is it just a matter of them needing to sound smart? Are they one of those ego driven people? It's like I just need to always sound like the smartest person in the room and prove that I am because you're dumb, that's you know what. How do we feed? So there's so many questions that I'd want to know first, before saying, okay, how do we approach this in order to? Is there a way to defuse the bully before it starts? Or you like, you know it's coming. You just have to figure out how to what to do with it when it happens. 

19:07 - Mark (Host)
So I think what you're saying, because that completely aligns with what you said earlier. There's a lot of pre-work that has to happen before you engage in a conversation, and 90% of that pre-work is asking yourself important questions. 

19:18 - Dr. Laura Sicola (Guest)
Yes. 

19:18 - Mark (Host)
That's the prep. So that what comes out of your mouth is tailored to the audience, tailored to the message and tailored toward the three Cs connecting, closing, commanding, connecting and closing. But that's, that's a lot of work, right. That people don't do we? Just I got to go tell so-and-so, such and such, and I hope it goes well, right. 

19:37 - Dr. Laura Sicola (Guest)
Well, and here's the question, If you don't have time to do it right, when will you have time to do it over? 

19:41 - Mark (Host)
That's a good point, good point. 

19:45 - Stacey (Host)
Oh my gosh, you're so smart were you kind of always naturally good at being articulate and speaking your mind in a way that people were commanded or did this. Is this something you learned? It worked at it personally. 

19:59 - Dr. Laura Sicola (Guest)
I think it's a little of both. I think everything is nature and nurture. You know whatever you're born with and then to what extent you learn to hone that particular skill. What's funny is my mother will tell the story that when I was little I was really shy, that I would hide behind her. I didn't like strangers to look at me, to talk to me, anything along those lines. And then, as she tells it, she will say somewhere around fourth grade, laura found her mouth. Nothing was ever the same. So I don't recall, recall that shift. 

20:28
I do remember always being relatively comfortable, at least from I don't know middle school on or something, with um, like class presentations and those kinds of things. I always had fun with those. It never scared me to have to talk in front of the class, so that was something that was comfortable. Um, I think I've gotten better at it. I'd like to think I've gotten better at it. I'd like to think I've gotten better at it. Certainly after several years of podcasting and learning, you can't go on for 10 minutes for an answer. You got to find a way to narrow it down, get to your point. And then here's a thought stop talking. 

21:01 - Mark (Host)
That was something, that was a learned skill. That's a toughie. We have a phrase in my line of work we skill. That's a toughie. We have a phrase in my line of work we talk about find the nearest period. Just find the period. I love it. Stop At some point. You need to focus on finding the nearest period, that's good, can I join? 

21:17 - Dr. Laura Sicola (Guest)
Can I jump on that for a second? Because, oh my gosh, you just gave people the biggest value prop of this whole conversation. That one of the pitfalls. You asked me earlier what people do to get in their own way, and one of them is talking in stream of consciousness. Most of us talk in run on sentence mode. We don't know that, we do it, but we do. It's like if you've got that friend who sends you the text or the WhatsApp message. That is the missive. 

21:43 - Stacey (Host)
This long there's no grammar, there's no punctuation, there's no nothing Like you. 

21:46 - Dr. Laura Sicola (Guest)
Just your brain can't process what it says. There's no grammar, there's no punctuation, there's no, nothing like you. Just your brain can't process what it says. That's how we talk and it is something that leads to. It's a fodder. It's ground for many other verbal and vocal uh pitfalls along the way, everything from upspeak, where you sound like you're asking questions even when you're not, like I'm doing now, to having a lot of vocal fry and allowing your voice kind of freak out because you haven't stopped to allow yourself to inhale and refuel the tank. 

22:15
It allows tangenting and allows other things People can't. There's so many things that the run on sentence is the root cause of all of those other ales. So I love that phrase and I'm totally going to steal it and I'm going to credit you with it. But, yeah, find the nearest period. If you were writing, you would know how to do it. You wouldn't set a paragraph that was 20 lines long and all one sentence. You got to figure out how to do that. When you speak, too, changes everything. 

22:40 - Stacey (Host)
Amazing Mark. Oh, thank you, Good one, I had a moment Can we talk about upspeak, because I know there's actually this Can we? There's no question, so that's a good place to put it. 

22:52 - Dr. Laura Sicola (Guest)
That's right. 

22:53
So up speak is like it's a tonality pattern where your voice goes up at the ends of all your phrases and sentences and it tends to be at about the same time in between rises and in some ways it is seeking validity. It's implying a tag question like right, you know, okay, and if you genuinely want to seek that validation from someone, I recommend you just explicitly ask it right Now. You wouldn't say right, right, right, right, right, after every phrase. So similarly, we shouldn't have that inflected request at the end of phrases and of everything. So being able to control that again if you've got the, the run on sentence, it's a lot of ands in there to have too many of those requests sounding tones in it. 

23:41
You give away your power because it sounds like you're seeking perpetual validation. If I need to be validated by you, you are the authority, not me. So we have to be real careful about not allowing. It's not to say your voice should never go up. There's a million times when it should. It just shouldn't be like a like a bird bobbing on the water kind of a thing where that perpetual, just non-changing pattern um, it also is a. 

24:07
It shows insecurity. If it sounds like you do perpetually need that validation. Why are you so insecure in yourself that you're asking me all these questions instead of making vocal statements with a vocal period? So you don't want to project that authority if, or that insecurity if you are feeling it, why would I tell you verbally hi, I'm Laura Sokola, nice to meet you, and I just want you to know I'm intimidated by you. I would never say that explicitly, so why would I want to project it unintentionally? And I think part of the reason there's also the perpetuation of it is because nowadays, frankly, anybody on the planet can have a following of a million people. So if that's a habit that someone has and it's someone they admire, it's part of a peer group, et cetera, it can become subconsciously an in-group thing. Most people don't know that they do it. And it's not just young female, any particular demographic guys out there I have. I'm very sorry to tell you why. Chromosome is not a vaccine. Y'all are just as guilty. 

25:01 - Stacey (Host)
And then there's that fry. 

25:06 - Mark (Host)
My number one pet peeve is vocal fry. 

25:08 - Dr. Laura Sicola (Guest)
It does tend to have two very diametrically opposite impressions that it makes on people, the one being the oh, whatever, I'm too good for you, why am I even wasting my time with you? But on the other hand, it also projects the oh, is it okay? I don't know if you're going to want to hear what I have to say. 

25:25
So there's or just for some people it's like it sounds like you haven't slept in about six weeks and you've been smoking two packs a day since you were seven. So none of which says I want to project authority and approachability and all those kinds of things. It's all about breath support. So whether you're a singer or a speaker, or you've probably heard that expression and this is also why the run-on sentence is the catalyst for yet another ail, so to speak, which is because when you're just talking and talking and talking and you don't allow yourself to keep to inhale again, you run out of gasoline in the tank. 

26:00
If you think about your lungs as being your gas tank airs or gasoline, your voice box or your vocal cords are the engine. And when your voice, but when your vocal cords are vibrating because there's enough air passing through, with an even perpetual flow, you get a nice clear voice, a nice clear, resonant sound that comes out. But when you're trying to squeeze blood out of a stone because you've talked there so much and you're not allowing yourself to talk it to breathe and get more to refill your tank, then that's what it sounds like you're not supporting. So we got to be really careful about that and, frankly, in our new zoom world where we're all just sitting down all the time, it's very easy to slouch and so you're compressing your whole, your entire torso, and there's just isn't room to to get a full breath of air to allow for your best voice. 

26:51 - Mark (Host)
Yeah, that's a good point. What would you say to the people that don't? There are a lot of people that don't like their voices that is true, they hate to listen to themselves and yes certainly now in this world, to your point, zoom meetings, just anything. 

27:03
I heard you tell a story on your podcast or in your ted talk about Margaret Thatcher having to get coaching for her voice. When she made a point she started to shrill. What would you say to the people who just don't like their voices? What can they do right now without getting a coach? 

27:18 - Dr. Laura Sicola (Guest)
Yeah, what's most important to recognize is that we mentioned earlier the nature-nurture balance, and if you were born with a piccolo, it's never going to sound like a tuba, and vice versa. But you can learn to play it masterfully. So you want to be the best piccolo player or the best tuba player that you can be, and everything we've been describing so far is something that will help you play it more masterfully. So things like making sure that you do allow yourself to inhale and refuel the tank so that you are not just kind of letting the words fall out of your mouth. 

27:55
There's no reason to use vocal fry. I don't care whether you're someone who has a very soft voice, naturally, or a cannon of a voice. It has nothing to do with volume, because I can talk in a very soft voice and still have it be clear. I don't need to talk in a soft voice and just let the bottom fall out of it. There should be no correlation between the two. 

28:15
Being able to not use upspeak, especially if you're someone who doesn't like that. You feel like you've got a squeaky voice, male, female or otherwise. If you use upspeak, then more of your words at the ends are going to end at that highest pitch. So, whatever is your natural range, you keep pointing people towards the upper end of it. Allow yourself to have declarative sentences. Put a period at the end of your sentence, let your voice drop, as I'm doing now, and that brings people to the into the root of where you let not the basement, that's not what I'm talking about, but to just allow you to sit in your nice strong chest voice, not, you know, trying to project some sort of fake authority or using like a bullwinkle kind of sound that's not what I'm going for either but your natural voice, where you are at home, in your chest voice. That's what you can learn to project with the greatest authority. 

29:07 - Mark (Host)
I think a lot comes down to content too. You could have what many would consider an annoying or shrill voice. If you're saying something of value, people are going to listen. 

29:14 - Dr. Laura Sicola (Guest)
Absolutely. There's a consultant I know here in the Philadelphia area who she has a very high, squeaky kind of voice. She will jokingly refer to herself as a munchkin. She will jokingly refer to herself as a munchkin. But when she walks in to do a corporate training and she commands a nice sum for her fees, she will tell them people right off the bat, like let's get one thing straight. This voice doesn't change, so let's move past it and get on with what we came here to do. 

29:44
And that's that. And of course her voice is a lot higher as she's saying that. I won't try to imitate or something, but nevertheless deal. And I think to the extent that you project oh my gosh, I hope you're not gonna make fun of me because of my voice and I hate my voice and you're gonna hate my voice and I don't want you to hear my voice people will sense that, sure, if that's what you are emotionally leading with. So if you own it, not in a defensive way, like well, this is my voice, so you're just gonna have to live with it. Now I want to hear no, no, you own it, this is you, this is your voice. Use it. Well, give me good content and we'll get to what matters to both of us. 

30:23 - Mark (Host)
Going back to that GPS calculate the route go in with confidence and the rest will fall in place. 

30:29 - Stacey (Host)
Yes. 

30:30 - Mark (Host)
It's good stuff. 

30:30 - Stacey (Host)
The other thing you talk about is how you introduce yourself and how important that is, and I know that I have worked hard over the years because I've heard that I can slur, especially when I'm in a rush. So I'll say hi, my name is Stacey Grant and someone will say sissy daisy. Like they don't know what my name is, so I have started really articulating. My name is Stacey Grant. 

30:54 - Mark (Host)
Beautiful. 

30:58 - Dr. Laura Sicola (Guest)
And it feels so silly like. From my perspective, there's three major pitfalls that people do when introducing themselves that make it hard for the other person to understand and remember what the heck your name is. And why do we introduce ourselves if not to begin a relationship? And that's stronger when your name is clear and it's awkward when people are like I'm sorry, what was your name? Again, I didn't quite catch it. How many times I have to ask you what your name is now I feel weird, so I think I just won't. 

31:21
Number one saying it too fast, because maybe you said your name a thousand times but nobody else has heard it a thousand times. And even if it's a simple name, like Ann Smith, it's not predictable. So you gotta give people's brains a chance to catch up with their ears. So slow it down. It'll feel awkwardly slow to you. It won't sound awkwardly slow to them. That's important. 

31:45
Number two break it up. Are you giving them a first name and a last name? Put a little break between them so I can hear that there are actually two parts. It helps my brain to process and retain what you've said. And number three is the tonality of it. Most people, as you mentioned, slur. They slur it all together with an uprise, that questioning tone like hi, I'm Laura Scola. I think you just kind of want to look at them and say, well, when you figure it out, come back and let me know. All right, that would be great. So to have that rise on the first part and then have it drop on the second. So, as you did, I'll do it the same for mine. So I'm Laura Scola, up and down Stacey Grant. It's like there's more. Now I'm done. Those are the two pieces. It's complete, and if you want to just use your first name, that's fine too, but we still want to have it with that arcing tone, stacey period at the end Hi, I'm Stacey, and let it go. That helps me here. What's? 

32:38 - Stacey (Host)
next for you? How can we help you get the word out for what you're trying to do? I have a book. 

32:42 - Dr. Laura Sicola (Guest)
As a matter of fact, it is called Speaking to Influence Mastering your Leadership Voice. You can get it on Amazon, you can get it on Kindle, you can get it on Audible. I did republish it this past year, just because my original publisher sadly went under as a result of COVID, so the cover is different. The new cover is purple, the old one is black, so if you see just the black one, you may think that that's it, but there is no inventory left. The Audible version and the Kindle version are still the old one, because they didn't need a new Right. 

33:09
So, yeah, either way, but if you're tired of the sound of my voice. By the way, after this interview, don't get the Audible version. I read it aloud. But if you're having fun with me, we'll have fun in the book as well. 

33:19 - Stacey (Host)
I'd love it. 

33:20 - Mark (Host)
That's great, and your website, laurencesakolacom. 

33:23 - Dr. Laura Sicola (Guest)
That that's the one, so feel free to take a look there If people are looking for one-on-one executive coaching, group trainings, speaking engagements. I do a lot of keynotes and emceeing events, those kinds of things, which is always fun. And the newest program that I have, thank you for asking a program called Quantum Leap, and it is for leaders who are in a job transition. So many people have been getting laid off or otherwise. They're wanting to find something else. Maybe it's a toxic environment, or they're just burned out from whatever they're doing, et cetera. They want the next chapter in the legacy. So that is a special program. You can check out quantumleap-coachingcom as well. That's for a 90 day transformational program to help you become not just a great candidate but leverage all the skills you need to be the obvious choice for the next role of your dreams. 

34:08
And you have a podcast too I do. It's also called Speaking to Influence, but it's Communication Secrets of the C-Suite. So I interview executives from all different for-profit, non-profit kinds of organizations and they're speaking not about their industry or their role per se, but it's all about the role of communication as an essential leadership skill and how they learned those lessons the easy way, the hard way and the not so direct way sometimes, but it's a lot of fun every time, that's great, awesome, wonderful. 

34:35 - Mark (Host)
I can't thank you enough. This has been a wonderful conversation. Thank you for your time, really. 

34:39 - Dr. Laura Sicola (Guest)
Thank you so much. I had a great time. Anytime, I'd be happy to come back. 

34:51 - Stacey (Host)
You're still here. You're still listening. Thanks for listening to the gurus and game changers podcast while you're here. If you enjoyed it, please take a minute to rate this episode and leave us a quick review. We want to know what you thought of the show and what you took from it and how it might have helped you. We read and appreciate every comment. Thanks, see you next week.