8 Types of Breakups. Which One Are You? | Ep 067

➡️  The Angry Therapist, John Kim, joins us to break down the 8 types of breakups and how to turn each one into an opportunity for growth. From blind-sided breakups to the "flat soda" relationship that fizzled out, learn how to navigate these challenging transitions with purpose.

In this episode:
🔹 Why your breakup could be your breakthrough
🔹 The truth about being "blindsided" in relationships
🔹 How to stop being the victim after betrayal
🔹 Why some people keep going back to their ex
🔹 Finding your "solid self" after a relationship ends

Help those impacted by the LA Fires: 
GoFundMe - Contact John Directly
Other Support: https://www.lahsa.org/newsArticle/resources-to-support-those-during-the-la-fires

➡️ Get John's new book "Breakup on Purpose" and follow his journey from rock bottom to becoming The Angry Therapist who's helped thousands heal from heartbreak.

➡️ Chapters/Timestamps
00:00 - Intro and Host Stories
04:40 - The 8 Types of Breakups Overview
10:10 - The "Flat Soda" Breakup Explained
12:55 - The Dramatic "Soap Opera" Breakup
13:49 - The "Almost Relationship" Breakup
14:59 - The Breakup That Never Ends
17:35 - Dealing with Cheating and Betrayal
19:27 - The Blind-Sided Breakup
22:40 - Finding Your "Solid Self"
25:27 - Should You End Your Relationship?
28:02 - Being Single "On Purpose"
31:18 - Using All Parts of Your Story

📲 Connect with John Kim: https://www.theangrytherapist.com/old-home
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Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/@theangrytherapist
Listen to his podcast: http://angrytherap.ist/Podcast
Get his books:https://www.theangrytherapist.com

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Transcript

00:00 - Stacey (Host)
Mr Labraji, 1B2Gs. How are you? I'm good. Thank you for clarifying 1B2Gs. It's a tough last name. 

00:08 - Mark (Host)
I thought about adding that as like a tagline on my email signature 1B2Gs. 

00:12 - Stacey (Host)
I think it's so good, just to let people know. Would you give me credit for it? I will Thank you. So what type of breakup have you mostly had in your life? Oh, that's a good question. 

00:26 - Mark (Host)
Well, you're assuming I've had many relationships. How many relationships have you had? I haven't had that many, but that's a great question Because there's, according to our guest today, there were eight very distinct types of breakups. 

00:34 - John Kim (The Angry Therapist) (Guest)
I guess I've had. 

00:36 - Mark (Host)
I haven't had that. You cheated on me, thank God. Yeah Right, probably the blind side. I've been blindsided, I've been blindsided. 

00:46 - Stacey (Host)
You've been blindsided. Yeah, chicks are like I'm out. 

00:50 - Mark (Host)
Chicks. There are multiple. This is great. 

00:52 - Stacey (Host)
How many chicks have blindsided you, please? No, just one, just one. Aww, I'm sorry. 

00:58 - Mark (Host)
Actually it was my first real girlfriend. 

01:02 - Stacey (Host)
And you thought everything was fine. I thought it was wonderful. 

01:03 - Mark (Host)
And then she blindsided me. Wow Were you in shock yeah. Oh yeah, I was crushed. I mean, I use that story to tell my son like this is what awaits you. At some point you're going to be crushed. 

01:14 - Stacey (Host)
Yeah, Because John says John Kim, our guest today, says that that's a difficult one to get over because you're in shock. 

01:24 - Mark (Host)
You're in shock. You got to deal with it? 

01:25 - Stacey (Host)
Yeah, it was totally yeah. How about you? Let's see, there's the big one blindside flat soda, you cheated on me. The soap opera, the almost relationship. 

01:41 - John Kim (The Angry Therapist) (Guest)
I guess I've had a couple almost relationships. 

01:42 - Stacey (Host)
I thought it was like, yeah, and then the breakup that never ends. I haven't had that one. I have had the D word. 

01:51 - Mark (Host)
Have you. 

01:51 - Stacey (Host)
Yeah, I've been divorced. Yeah, yeah, I'm breaking that news here, sorry, my, my second husband just realized I've been married again At this moment. 

02:02 - Mark (Host)
And now you're about to go through another one. But I loved our guest today. I thought he was he? 

02:06 - Stacey (Host)
was, you know, fun. He's the angry. He's known as the angry therapist, but he is not angry at all so. I was trying to like get to the bottom of that he's got a good vibe. 

02:14 - Mark (Host)
He's chill. He's got a motorcycle, he's got a really cool vibe a lot of great advice for people who are either considering breaking up or about to go through a breakup. It doesn't just mean divorce, just a breakup and a lot of people listening are probably in that boat. 

02:32 - Stacey (Host)
His book is breakup on purpose On purpose. 

02:35 - Mark (Host)
There's a, there's a strategy to break, but he's love that. 

02:38 - Stacey (Host)
This is his sixth book, right? So he started off with um, I am a miserable fuck. I used to be a miserable fuck Boop. I'm going to beep that, and then he had something called Single on. Purpose was one of his books that really took off. Took off, I think I even know people who told me about that book yeah, I read the intro. 

02:57 - Mark (Host)
It was a good book. Yeah, yeah. 

02:59 - Stacey (Host)
Being single on purpose is a choice and I agree with it. I love it, I support it. 

03:05 - Mark (Host)
Again, your husband hearing this for the first time. I support being single on purpose or not on purpose anyway. 

03:10 - Stacey (Host)
So anyway, it's a great episode. I think you guys are going to really enjoy it. There's a lot of actionable things here. If you are going through a breakup, if you think that you need to break up, if you have no idea you're going to break up, you should probably listen to this because, who knows, if you're in a relationship, end of story you might be blindsided. 

03:23 - Mark (Host)
You might be. You don't want to be blindsided no, you don't personal story. I don't want to be blindsided. 

03:27 - Stacey (Host)
Yeah, and Mark actually. Mark actually shares an interesting stalker story on here a stalker story? 

03:33 - Mark (Host)
yeah, we all have. I always say, we all have at least guys. We all have that one crazy girlfriend in our past. There's always the one crazy. Yeah, I know somebody listening to this is nodding their head. Many guys are nodding their head. 

03:45 - Stacey (Host)
Why is it all the guys who have crazy? I'm not saying women don't have crazy. I'm just speaking for the men. Are you mansplaining? I'm not mansplaining. 

03:52 - Mark (Host)
I'm laying down some truth. There's always one crazy Wow For the one crazy that you get women have dealt with a gazillion insane men. Well, either way, I wouldn't want to be in the dating pool right now Because there are probably aplenty, anyway. Anyway, enjoy, john Kim, we'll talk to you soon. 

04:13 - Stacey (Host)
We'll talk to you soon. Hi, I'm Stacey. 

04:17 - Mark (Host)
And I am Mark, and this is the Gurus at Game Changers podcast. So welcome in everybody. So, statistically speaking, one of the three of us is going through a divorce. 

04:31 - Stacey (Host)
I know it's not me, I will not assume it of our guest. 

04:34 - Mark (Host)
So that means it's got to be you stacy I didn't realize this is going to happen today. 

04:37 - Stacey (Host)
I am so sorry. 

04:38 - Mark (Host)
No well maybe you haven't heard the news. 

04:40
There's no news well, if you're, if you're going through a divorce, considering a divorce, considering a breakup after a long relationship, today's guest, john Kim, has some advice for you. Put simply, he wants you to do it on purpose. What does that mean? That means, after decades of his time as a therapist, he has determined there are actually eight distinct breakup types that apply to pretty much every relationship. Now, if you know the type of breakup you're about to go into, you can manage it. It's not just an escape route out of the relationship. It's actually a bridge to build a better you, a better future for you. 

05:18
That's today's guest, John Kim. He's known as the angry therapist. I want to get into that as well. John, welcome to the show. Thanks for joining us. 

05:25 - John Kim (The Angry Therapist) (Guest)
Thank you for having me. 

05:26 - Stacey (Host)
John, thanks for coming. So you went from sort of a traditional therapist to calling yourself the angry therapist. Do you want to tell us why that happened? Because you don't seem angry today. No, so far. 

05:38 - John Kim (The Angry Therapist) (Guest)
So, far it's coming. It's coming. It's inside, baked in the happy therapist. Just isn't interesting. No, I was angry because I was unhappy before my divorce and then, after divorce started, all over, got chopped at the knees and decided I wanted to help other people. So I went back to school at 35. And I just thought I started a blog on tumblr. Remember tumblr back in the day, before social media. Yeah, yeah, um, I called it the angry therapist because I just thought it was kind of funny. I didn't think anyone would read it, but later I realized I was humanizing myself. 

06:14 - Mark (Host)
So I started talking about my feelings, which a lot of therapists don't do, and uh, so that's why I call myself angry therapist yeah, so so I you going through your book, look through your book and you said very clearly it was your divorce was the worst thing that ever happened to you and the best thing that the hardest, the hardest thing and the best thing. 

06:33 - John Kim (The Angry Therapist) (Guest)
Yes, the hardest thing to go, yeah. 

06:35 - Mark (Host)
Yeah, what talk about the impact that it had? You were in your mid thirties and you pretty much lost it all. 

06:45 - John Kim (The Angry Therapist) (Guest)
I think you left with a pillow. Yeah, and I. I I hate hearing that, cause I don't want to sound like I'm feeling sorry for myself, but um, it is reality. 

06:51
And I, um, I spent most of my younger years when I was married. We're married for five years and I kind of put her on a pedestal and I thought love meant that, um, you don't have a life, your life is the marriage. And I thought that's what it was meant to be a good husband. So I didn't put any effort into having friends or doing anything to flesh out my own life, my own sense of self, and so after my divorce, I realized, oh, I don't have a life, I don't have anything. But the good news is it forced me to then start over and build a life. 

07:20 - Stacey (Host)
So what was the lesson that you think you learned? 

07:22 - John Kim (The Angry Therapist) (Guest)
So many things, but one of the biggest things I've learned is you have to have your own sense of self, your own life, because you're building something with someone else called a relationship, but that other person isn't your life. You're going to bring something to the table and that is a whole person right, and so your own passions, your own friends, your own sense of self and also, I think, working through your history, your patterns and taking ownership of all the things that didn't work before. So I continue to learn. I don't think it's something that you just kind of learn and you're done. I think we are always learning, growing Love is a moving target. 

08:06 - Stacey (Host)
That is so true, and you've written books on the topic. So wait, how many books do you have now? I was looking at your website. 

08:11 - John Kim (The Angry Therapist) (Guest)
This is number six. 

08:13 - Stacey (Host)
Number six. 

08:14 - John Kim (The Angry Therapist) (Guest)
Yeah, number six. 

08:15 - Stacey (Host)
What was the impetus for the first book? 

08:19 - John Kim (The Angry Therapist) (Guest)
The first book was called. 

08:20 - Mark (Host)
I Used to Be Miserable, sorry. 

08:21 - John Kim (The Angry Therapist) (Guest)
It's based on a true story, but that was kind of the one that started everything. But my most popular book is called Single on Purpose and it was just redefining singlehood and you don't have to be in a relationship to find worth. It didn't say single forever, it just said on purpose. And it was just redefining singlehood and you don't have to be in a relationship to find worth. It didn't say single forever, it just said on purpose. And because of the success of that book, breakup on purpose is kind of it's now becoming the box set. 

08:51
Yeah, like love languages, we go through different types of breakups and so what's prescribed should be different depending on what you're going through. So the breakup on purpose book hangs on these eight types of breakups. But the message is that your breakup can be a breakthrough if you look at, you know your patterns, what happened, if you just take a beat and take advantage of the rich growth soil that happens after any kind of expired relationship, instead of just trying to find someone else to love really fast yeah, yeah so so getting into the eight, there's probably no better way to get into it than you tell us which of the eight was your breakup oh, mine was divorce, mine was the the I was number eight word, that's number eight, the D word. 

09:36
Yeah, but there are many and also you know you can relate to a bunch of them. It doesn't, it's, you don't have to just pick one Right? You know, like the blindsided breakup. That's when you feel like you're blindsided because two people in a relationship weren't being honest or expressing where they're at. And then you wake up one day and someone wants out. 

10:00 - Stacey (Host)
Do you want to go through a few of these? Yeah, let's go through them. I would love to hear what they are and then how you can actually apply your methodology to these different types of breakups. 

10:10 - John Kim (The Angry Therapist) (Guest)
Sure, so we can help people. That's what we're trying to do. The flat soda breakup, which is kind of a funny one. It's when you should have probably broken up years ago. It's when you guys turn into more roommates. It's when chemistry has changed right. No one did anything about the relationship, and now it's been many years and you're sleeping in separate rooms and you're just kind of together for logistics or because you're afraid to be alone. Do you think that's? 

10:36 - Mark (Host)
a common one of the eight. Is that a pretty common one? Yeah, the separate rooms and you're just kind of together for logistics or because you're afraid to be alone. Do you think that's a common one of the of the eight? 

10:43 - John Kim (The Angry Therapist) (Guest)
is that a pretty common one? Yeah, the love is gone. The love is gone and also it's too late. Yeah, yeah, yeah, a lot of people who are married um are married because of the kids or because they own property, um, but there is, they're kind of like, you know, uh, siblings yeah yeah, and it happens over time. It's sad. I think it's easy to judge, but you stretch a marriage over 15, 20 years and it's kind of like the boiling frog, right. 

11:08 - Stacey (Host)
Aw, there's no way to get the bubbles back in the soda. There's no way to Well. 

11:15 - John Kim (The Angry Therapist) (Guest)
I think there is. But if you've gone too far and I think especially women once they've decided it's over, like I don't, I don't know. If you could change people's, you could probably change someone's mind, but you can't change someone's the way they feel about someone. You know what I'm saying. 

11:29 - Stacey (Host)
So if it becomes platonic, it's very hard to then try to have sexual romantic feelings again, right, true you very hard to then try to have sexual romantic feelings again, right, true you know yeah. So then how does that affect the flat? 

11:43 - John Kim (The Angry Therapist) (Guest)
soda. What do you do? You have to order. You have to order a new soda if you're a victim of the flat soda breakup. Yeah, there's a special way that you should get a nice tea, I don't know. Yeah yeah. 

11:53 - Stacey (Host)
Is there a special way that you can help yourself and cope in that relationship? 

11:58 - John Kim (The Angry Therapist) (Guest)
yeah, the flat soda breakup, which is actually really well. I mean, I think one of the the benefits of it is um there isn't really betrayal, there's a lot of acceptance. Um you can um have more of a mutual breakup and still care about each other and um be friendly. You know, it doesn't have to be toxic. The flat soda breakup is kind of the love that's run its course, and usually it's more sad than people being angry. 

12:26 - Mark (Host)
You know it's interesting. I feel like the flat soda is common. It's the golden handcuffs version of marriage. 

12:33 - John Kim (The Angry Therapist) (Guest)
Like you're together because of everything you have and you built all this, but you're also taking someone hostage, you're also not allowing the other person to have a fulfilling, loving, you know, amazing relationship. So, you know, I think that's empowering is to think about the other person, not just yourself. 

12:50 - Mark (Host)
Yeah, that's great. I love it. I wanted to know about the soap opera breakup. 

12:55 - John Kim (The Angry Therapist) (Guest)
Yeah, this one. This one's the breakup where people are slushing tires and getting orders. You know, the thing that's complicated about this breakup is you're not just grieving a relationship, but you're trying to be safe. When you are in a relationship that has been toxic or abusive, there's a lot of what I call the sticky, a lot of trauma bonding. Abusive there's a lot of what I call the sticky, a lot of trauma bonding. And so when, when people are trying to break up, if someone doesn't want to break up, there's going to be boundaries crossed. There's going to be, you know, someone waiting outside your window with the boombox over his head which is an 80s reference. 

13:34
But there's a lot of that happening and uh, now you're turning, you know you're, you're looking over your shoulder, uh, and kind of um trying to be safe, at the same time grieving. 

13:45 - Mark (Host)
So that's, it's very complicated part is there one that you'd like to talk about? 

13:49 - John Kim (The Angry Therapist) (Guest)
the almost relationship breakup is interesting, yeah, because I think people judge how hard your breakup should be based on how long you're with someone, and that's false. You can be with someone over the summer and it could be so intense that that could be harder for you than you know. Breaking up with someone that you were with for seven years Right. So the almost relationship there's secondary loss. You know you're dating someone for three or four months and you're starting to fantasize about baby names and you know the life that you could build with this person. 

14:20
yeah, so when that almost relationship breakup happens, um, it's not so much the relationship, it's everything that could have been the expectation the expectation and, oh, you know, we could have had this, you know beautiful house, and we had the same taste in whatever design and music, and it's all of that. And sometimes that loss is harder, um, to kind of heal from than what actually is what might have been what might have been. 

14:46 - Stacey (Host)
That's so sad, that is kind of sad about it. 

14:49 - Mark (Host)
It's a fire that burns bright but burns short. I got it yes so let's talk. I want to save the big one for the end, but the breakup that never ends. That's it. 

14:59 - John Kim (The Angry Therapist) (Guest)
Yes, this is round two, round three, one of those. You know, I always, when clients say, hey, should I get back with this person, I always ask what's going to be different this time? 

15:10 - Stacey (Host)
Yeah, it's beautiful. 

15:11 - John Kim (The Angry Therapist) (Guest)
Because it can't be haircuts or abs or it can't be because time has passed. People have to really go through an inner journey and experience secondary change, change that's not reversible. For people to lay new tracks because the dynamic of the relationship is what's going to bring the plane down. And just missing someone, or just because someone you know is reading some self-help books, doesn't mean that this is going to be different this time, you know. 

15:40 - Stacey (Host)
Is there psychology in why people go back to the same person time and time again, Because I know I've seen it so many times? I mean friends of mine that we keep saying why are you getting back together with that person? 

15:52 - John Kim (The Angry Therapist) (Guest)
I mean there could be underlying things like a trauma bond, the bonding through trauma, but. But then there could also just be like, oh, I left, there isn't much out there. I hate dating apps. I want to go back. There's also comfort. There's also what smells familiar. A lot of times we just go back because we feel like there isn't anything out there. 

16:14
You know, the big one is the, you know, when our hearts were powdered snow and we were young usually young, maybe in our 20s and it's a relationship we compare all two and, uh, we compare everything to this one because it felt so big, because, um, yeah, we were young, right, and uh, you know it's, it's uh, it's like that 20s or maybe high school love, um, but there's a distortion because we play back the highlight reel and we're playing it back from who we were then, not who we are now. 

16:42
Do you know what I'm saying? So it's like, you know, when you think about your elementary school, you go back and you're like, look how tiny those chairs were. I sat in those chairs and in my head I don't see it like that because I see it as a full-size classroom. It's because, uh, in your head you're playing it back through the eyes of you know that 10 year old or seven year old, whatever, um, and we do that with love, and so we think the big one, or the quote-unquote, the one that got away which I hate that term um, we think that, uh, that's the one that you know, that's what we should strive for, but we don't realize that it wasn't what we think it was. 

17:17 - Mark (Host)
Yeah yeah, we have a distorted view so I saw another one that we missed here. It's I knew it's an easy one, though it's the you cheated on me or you left me for somebody else breakup yeah this episode is brought to you by mainline studios and the podcast factory, where great content feels right at home. 

17:35 - Stacey (Host)
located in beautiful wayne, pennsylvania, our creative rental space offers high-end tech in a space that feels like your best friend's living room. Book your session or a free tour at mainlinevideostudiocom. And back to the show. 

17:51 - Mark (Host)
Are there nuances to that, or is it as straightforward as it sounds? 

17:54 - John Kim (The Angry Therapist) (Guest)
No, I think cheating is complicated. I think a lot of times cheating is like if someone cheats on you, it may not even be about you, it's where they're at their you know wounds, desires, capacity, whatever but it's the betrayal piece, right. That is hurtful and damaging. I would say that if you've been cheated on, of course there's going to be a period where you're going through all the feelings, anger and all this, but ultimately, to get out of victim mode is the most important step. If you constantly believe that someone did something to you, you're going to be in victim mode, which is powerless. So you have to actually own something. Even if you did nothing wrong, you were still 50% of this relationship, even if it was just the fact that you picked this person. Taking ownership of what happened is going to be what pulls you out of the quicksand and it's going to give you the power back. 

18:50 - Stacey (Host)
And how do you get somebody out of victim mode when you're working with them in your practice? It's hard, it is hard. 

18:57 - John Kim (The Angry Therapist) (Guest)
It is hard, resetting language, obviously, processing feelings, creating a space where they could let stuff out without judgment, and then, after that, helping them see that they weren't a victim in this, helping them see that they also may have had a part in it. Even if they weren't a victim in this, helping them see that they also may have had a part in it even if they weren't the one that cheated, which is very hard to hear. 

19:21 - Mark (Host)
Sure, because there's probably a lot of blaming going on. 

19:25 - John Kim (The Angry Therapist) (Guest)
Yeah, a lot of pointed fingers, for sure. 

19:27 - Mark (Host)
Yeah, of course. So let's go to the blind side. I didn't see it coming. Usually there's yeah, there's probably some fault in the person who gets blindsided because they didn't see it coming. There were probably clues. 

19:39 - Stacey (Host)
There may have been lack of communication from the person who ended it, yeah, but there were probably plenty of opportunity for that person to change whatever they were doing that is true, yeah, not if you get ghosted I'm sorry not if you get ghosted, like if you oh, definitely like you're like so into somebody and then all of a sudden they're gone. 

19:56 - Mark (Host)
Right, I'm just thinking more like you're living together for years. 

19:59 - Stacey (Host)
Right if it's more of a long-term relationship, and then you know your wife says I'm out oh that's a blind side. What are you talking about? 

20:05 - Mark (Host)
Because of all these reasons that that person had no perception of. 

20:10 - Stacey (Host)
What's your advice to them Like? 

20:11 - Mark (Host)
take a better self-assessment or really go back and see, review the history. 

20:17 - John Kim (The Angry Therapist) (Guest)
Well, the the blindsided, even if if because I agree with you there kind of is no such thing as a blindsided relationship there are things that happen we just didn't notice or we didn't see or we were too busy, and yes, there are people who struggle expressing themselves. But you know, when you're in an intimate relationship and you know this person very well, you can sense things like changing energy and mood and you know, I think a lot of times we just don't pay attention or don't have the capacity or tools to. So I don't even know if there really is technically such thing as a blindsided breakup, but the feeling of being blindsided is real, you know. 

20:54
I felt blindsided when, when, when she wanted a separation which then quickly turned into a divorce, I didn't know that's where it was going Right. So when you feel blindsided, there's a, it's traumatic, there's kind of an emotional whiplash. It's like you got into a car accident and you don't kind of don't even know what the damage is until a few days later. So I think focusing on your nervous system, regulating, finding support, just kind of like foundational stuff, you know, drinking water, getting sleep, that kind of stuff is actually required in the early stages of a blindsided breakup, even before you get to examining the black box and why the plane went down. Just taking care of your basic needs is kind of what's prescribed. 

21:38 - Stacey (Host)
There's probably some shock there, oh yeah. 

21:41 - John Kim (The Angry Therapist) (Guest)
Shock denial. You know what just happened. Wait, I was married, I'm not. What is going on? How did this happen? You know? 

21:47 - Mark (Host)
how do you deal with all the finger pointing, because I'm sure there's a whole lot of blame going back. He does this. Well, he does this. 

21:52 - Stacey (Host)
He does this. Have you been in therapy? No, I'm. Have you been in couples therapy? No, yeah, I don't think you finger point that much. 

21:55 - Mark (Host)
Well, I imagine there's blame going on. Yeah, maybe. 

21:58 - John Kim (The Angry Therapist) (Guest)
The biggest thing I see is people who don't know how to repair ruptures. That's the relationship that goes south. And so when you're defensive and you're not owning, it's really hard to repair. That's the hard part is getting them to repair their own rupture where I'm actually not needed. But you're right, when they enter there is a lot of defensiveness. 

22:22 - Stacey (Host)
So in your book, where you said used to be a miserable fuck, what was? I love to talk about this with people who come on the show, because most times people who come on the show are really successful and you've done so well. And I know that you're no longer in that place, but when you were in that place, when you were the most miserable how did you get out of it? 

22:40 - John Kim (The Angry Therapist) (Guest)
The first thing I did is I asked myself what is my solid self? I get tattoo, I have a lot of tattoos and I get them as kind of like bookmarks to my story dog-eared pages. And I did mostly a pseudo life. I was a screenwriter before becoming a therapist, exchanged a lot of my truth for membership and pseudo means mostly a pseudo life. I was a screenwriter before becoming a therapist, exchanged a lot of my truth from membership and pseudo means to live a life that is outside in instead of inside out. 

23:03
So after my divorce, the very first question was how can I start pulling for my solid self? And that changed everything. That was like okay, well, I'm going to show up to my sessions in jeans and T-shirt, on my motorcycle and meet him at the coffee shop. Okay, I'm going to buy a motorcycle. Okay, I'm going to grow my hair long Like. I just started to ask myself what would it look like if I was to be authentic and pull from myself in all areas of my life? And that's when I got traction. That's when I felt myself building a life that was honest to me. 

23:43 - Stacey (Host)
Well wait, I just need to follow up on that. So by solid self. So I think a lot of people who are in that pseudo self world like they don't have that realization that you had? How did you know to go? Look for your solid self. 

23:57 - John Kim (The Angry Therapist) (Guest)
Divorce and realizing that I had to start over and then also I didn't have anything to lose. You know a lot of people. It's hard for them to change because they've already built a life or they're successful, or, like right now for me to change it'd be much harder than back, when I had nothing, because then you have nothing to lose. I still ask myself you know what is my solid self? And it fluctuates. But back then I didn't have anywhere else to go but up. 

24:23 - Mark (Host)
Correct me if I'm wrong. One of your tattoos is very large font that says the words resist nothing on your forearm. 

24:29 - John Kim (The Angry Therapist) (Guest)
Yeah, that was my first tattoo. 

24:30 - Mark (Host)
That was your first? Was that post-divorce? Was that like a mantra for you to move forward? 

24:35 - John Kim (The Angry Therapist) (Guest)
Yeah, post-divorce. It was a tattoo that I was embarrassed about, because to have resist nothing on your forearm, that's very shiny, because tattoos are shiny in the beginning and people would say, hey, you got a tattoo. You know when you get a bad haircut and they just say, oh, you got a haircut, and then you don't say anything else. I got a lot of that and I was like, what did I do? But but it was a mantra. I think that in our resistance there is tremendous opportunity for growth, and so it's a reminder to myself to resist nothing, to take whatever that is coming up that you're resisting and lean into it. 

25:08 - Mark (Host)
Generally speaking, People listening right now. Statistically I'll go back to the beginning many of them are in bad relationships and they're questioning. Some of them are long, some of them are not that long, but we um, you know, we know our demographic there's older and younger, so it's probably both. What can you say to that person who's just sitting at home saying should I, should I end? 

25:27 - John Kim (The Angry Therapist) (Guest)
this First question is um, what have you done to repair? What have you done to cause you're 50% of any relationship? Um, instead of just blaming, instead of so. My partner current partner she's also a therapist and she said yesterday she had a couple of sessions and the man brought in a PowerPoint presentation. 

25:47 - Mark (Host)
It's never happened before. Was it about his wife? Like here's what's wrong with her? Yes, he put a whole presentation. 

25:53 - John Kim (The Angry Therapist) (Guest)
Yeah, and it was like a scale and you know what was working. And it was like a scale and and you know what was working and it was animated and and she was doing everything she could to not like to, to be, you know, to be there, not not laugh. That's an example of someone, um, coming in, um, you know, into a court, courtroom, the opposite of looking at um, their contribution and that's my first piece of advice is um, what are you bringing to the table? 

26:17
What are you doing to not heal this? You know what responsibility are you taking, what ownership. You know how are you repairing and healing your own wounds right. And then after that, if you really are honest and you're like I've done everything I think I could at this point in my life, but the relationship container is causing me to now break up with me, then I feel like maybe the relationship has expired, maybe they're like you know, when I say break up on purpose, it's with intention, it's okay. 

26:50
It's okay to break up. You know, I think a lot of people stay in relationships that aren't fixable and they just kind of suffer through it because they feel like that's what they're supposed to do. 

27:00 - Stacey (Host)
So breakup on purpose, is you're saying? Think about it, figure out which category you're in. I'm just trying to you know. Reframe for whoever's listening. So, think about breaking up, figure out what category you're in and then make the decision no, no, no, no, no. 

27:21 - John Kim (The Angry Therapist) (Guest)
It's not think about it, it's do. It's like do everything you can to repair the relationship. Okay, and even at that, if you find that it's no longer honest to you or it's not repairable and you guys end up going through a breakup or what I call an expired relationship, and you guys end up going through a breakup or what I call an expired relationship, then look at some of these eight relationship, these eight breakups, and then what category do you fall into? And then, based on that, here's what's prescribed, because they're all different. 

27:48
Beautiful Like someone going through a blindsided breakup, what's prescribed for them is gonna be very different than someone going through, say, a flat soda breakup. 

27:56 - Stacey (Host)
I'm sure lots of people out there are single right now on purpose. What were you trying to say with that book? 

28:02 - John Kim (The Angry Therapist) (Guest)
Most of my clients, mostly female, are frustrated with the dating landscape and how we meet each other these days. I'm 51. 

28:10
So when I was dating I grew up where you have to muster the courage to walk up to someone and ask them out and then you know, wash your car and put in the six disc cd changer perfectly for the songs to line up and and now the people are swiping while they're in the restroom of their date to find someone new because they're not feeling it and so, like this whole on demand, I think we've become baseball cards because of dating apps and so, sensing that frustration with clients, I wrote single on purpose because I was like why don't we connect to ourselves first? It doesn't say single forever, it just says connect to yourself first, or while you are looking for someone else, you're also attracting instead of chasing. You're also bringing more to the table. You're not lying with desperation. You know all of that stuff. 

28:59 - Mark (Host)
Right For the people who are out there that are single and cannot meet somebody. Do you have specific advice? Go? 

29:08 - John Kim (The Angry Therapist) (Guest)
live, go, live your life, meet yourself, go, do all the things that you wanted to do but didn't when you were in a relationship. You know, go travel, go pursue hobbies. I think so many people are trying to find, quote unquote, the one that they pause their life and they're just like looking around trying to lock something down, and that energy also isn't attractive. You know, when you go out and live your life and believe that you're gonna meet someone when you're meant to and you become infinitely more attractive and that's when you actually do meet someone, that's when you do start attracting people yeah yeah, go find your cape in your experience, is there a place where you find couples or people in general are stuck more than not? 

29:55
yeah, stuck because they're not willing to let go of the tug of war rope. Um, they're, they're coming in just trying to prove that they are right. So a lot of that kind of ego, and also you know there's a lot of history there, you know there's um resentment, anger, that's built up. That's, uh like plaque, emotional plaque, and it takes time to kind of scrape that and, you know, get to a lot of people to own their own stuff. 

30:23 - Stacey (Host)
I see, I see. So that's relationship plaque. Is that what you just called? 

30:26 - John Kim (The Angry Therapist) (Guest)
it. Yeah, I think I'm just very visual, so I just say what I see. 

30:30 - Stacey (Host)
Yeah, what's the most counterintuitive relationship advice you give people that like makes them angry at first and then they're like, oh no, he's right, I would say that, um, that your breakup is a catalyst for growth. 

30:41 - John Kim (The Angry Therapist) (Guest)
No one wants to hear that when they're going through a breakup especially if they've, you know, lost the love of their life or right, um, they're in a place where they don't need to hear that they're gonna have a breakthrough that's rejected. But then when they come out the other side, they're like oh you, oh, you're right, if it wasn't for that breakup, then all of these things wouldn't have happened. 

30:59 - Stacey (Host)
So what's next for you? How many more books are you writing, like next week? Oh, I don't know. 

31:03 - John Kim (The Angry Therapist) (Guest)
I have one another one already coming down that I finished. It's going to be Love Heart on Purpose, and then there's a theme there, yeah, and then I owe them another book and then so I don't. Maybe I'll get to 10, we'll see, I don't know oh my gosh. 

31:16 - Stacey (Host)
What's love heart on purpose about? 

31:18 - John Kim (The Angry Therapist) (Guest)
it's the kind of like, it's the, the, the ending of this whole collection where I'm talking about all the, the how to build love, how to find love, how to sustain love, how to keep the plane in the air oh, I love it, yeah, love love, all parts of your story will be used because, uh, most people are so busy ripping, ripping out chapters because there's a lot of shame, guilt, things that happen in their life in their story Like, for example, for me, divorce wanted to rip that out when I used to be a screenwriter that whole thing. As a failed screenwriter I wanted to rip out those chapters but they've all been huge domino pieces in my story. And if you believe that all parts of your story will be used, then you will embrace the bad and the painful as well as the good. 

32:01 - Mark (Host)
Thank you so much. You answered all my questions. Thank you, I know this is great. 

32:03 - Stacey (Host)
Thank you for having me A lot of great. Thank you for creating that love Insights. 

32:07 - Mark (Host)
All right, all right, and we will see you all again soon. 

32:15 - Stacey (Host)
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