Confused About Your Relationship? This Will Give You Clarity | Ep 070

🤔 Thinking of ending a relationship? Before you do, this 30-day process could change everything. Join us with author Janeen GoLightly as she shares her powerful insights from her book "Should I Go Back?" Whether you're considering divorce or just feeling stuck in your relationship, discover how giving it one last try could be the key to moving forward with clarity and peace - no matter what you decide.

Learn why January is known as "Divorce Month" and how to avoid making decisions you might regret. Janeen opens up about her own relationships, what she wished she knew at 19, and the surprising truth about why giving your relationship one final chance matters (even if you end up walking away).

➡️ Key Takeaways:
✅ Get clarity on your relationship
✅ Make decisions without regret
✅ Find peace with your choice
✅ Protect what matters most
✅ Create a better future for everyone involved

➡️ CHAPTERS:
0:00 - Welcome & Intro
1:51 - Why January is "Divorce Month"
3:16 - Marriage at 19: What Janeen Wishes She Knew
4:28 - From Wedding Bliss to Reality Check
8:44 - The 30-Day Process Explained
9:24 - A Marriage-Changing Discovery
13:13 - How Long Should You Try?
16:07 - The Birth of "Should I Go Back?"
18:10 - Easiest vs. Hardest Steps in the Process
19:11 - The Truth About Couples Therapy
21:19 - Final Thoughts: Why Take 30 Days?

📲 Connect with Our Hosts:
Stacey: @staceymgrant
Mark: @mark_lubragge_onair

⭐️ Watch/Subscribe to Gurus and Game Changers on Youtube: www.youtube.com/@UCsRyuQWlLAYzM4IyJlF2IWQ 

📲 Connect with Janeen GoLightly
Website: www.janeengolightly.com
Book: https://www.amazon.com/Should-Go-Back-Marriage-Actually/dp/B0CMGBYT1K

📘 Based on Janeen GoLightly's book "Should I Go Back?: Why Giving Your Marriage One Last Try Could Actually Help You Move On"

#Relationships #Marriage #PersonalGrowth #Divorce #Clarity #RelationshipAdvice #SelfHelp

Transcript

00:02 - Stacey (Host)
Mark, yes, I would like to apologize, just in case you felt a tiny bit beat up on A little beat up. During that episode with Janine Golightly, but you were standing in for men, married men. 

00:16 - Mark (Host)
Yeah, all married men. 

00:17 - Stacey (Host)
And between Janine and I. We have been married five times. 

00:20 - Mark (Host)
Yeah, so you had a lot of things to get off your chest. 

00:23 - Stacey (Host)
But Janine's cool because she wrote this book. 

00:25 - Mark (Host)
Yeah. 

00:26 - Stacey (Host)
And it's called Should I Go Back? Why giving your marriage one last try could actually help you move on. 

00:33 - Mark (Host)
Isn't that cool, yeah it was a lot of talk about divorce, but it was really centered around the hope that you wouldn't get divorced. You just need to give it 30 days. She has a book. That book is 30 days, an action a day and questions to ask yourself and things to do that let you realize is this the right decision or is it not? 

00:50 - Stacey (Host)
Exactly. And what's good about that is, let's say, you do make the decision to get divorced. You can say to yourself I did everything I could. 

00:57 - Mark (Host)
Yeah, and, based on the steps, it turns out that your partner is going to be there as well because you're going to have so much communication that it leads to a better relationship afterwards. 

01:07 - Stacey (Host)
Right. So you will know after those 30 days For sure. 

01:11 - Mark (Host)
No doubt. 

01:12 - Stacey (Host)
Right and no guilt Right. 

01:14 - Mark (Host)
Like you get to the place in your head. It's just nothing but resolve. I know the right course of action. 

01:19 - Stacey (Host)
But also she's cool, she's fun, she's a newscaster. 

01:21 - Mark (Host)
Yeah, she was fun. 

01:22 - Stacey (Host)
She was, you know. 

01:24 - Mark (Host)
And very open. 

01:25 - Stacey (Host)
Yeah, extremely open, told us tons of stories, and I think it's something you guys will really enjoy, whether or not you're trying to decide what to do with your marriage in a negative or positive way. 

01:35 - Mark (Host)
For anybody in a long-term relationship. It's a good lesson you can tell your friends, family members, whatever. 

01:40 - Stacey (Host)
So this is a good one to listen to. 

01:51 - Mark (Host)
So enjoy, jan, whatever. So this is a good one to listen to. So enjoy, janine, go lightly. Hi, I'm stacy and I am mark, and this is the gurus at game changers podcast. Welcome everybody. So we are recording this in january and, coincidentally, january, you may not know, is the month with the highest number of divorce filings. 

02:04
So I guess it's like out with the old and with the new Really yeah, a new year, new you kind of thing, you know take it to a whole new level. But here's something to consider what if ending that relationship is not the answer? You think it is? It's probably an escape, for sure, but is it the solution? That is what today's guest, janine, golightly wants to guide you through. She has a book called Should I Go Back, and the goal of the book is to show you all the realities of what that decision means. If you do decide to end that relationship, what she wants you to do is to know everything so that when you get to the point where you decide to do it, you've done everything you could to save it. And in her world, that's exactly where you need to be to end it. Janine, thank you for joining us. Welcome to the show. 

02:54 - Janeen GoLightly (Guest)
Thank you, thanks for having me. That was a great synopsis. We are done here, all right. Well, be well. See you later, everybody. 

03:03 - Stacey (Host)
I definitely want to talk about the book, for sure. But I also want to talk about the book, for sure, but I also want to talk about you see, what led up to you writing this book? And I know you were married, I think, the first time at 19. Almost 19. 

03:16 - Janeen GoLightly (Guest)
What wisdom would you now? 

03:17 - Stacey (Host)
share to your younger self that you didn't know then. 

03:19 - Janeen GoLightly (Guest)
The wisdom that I have shared with all of my kids don't get married till you're at least 24, 25. 

03:25 - Stacey (Host)
That's a good one, yeah, yeah. 

03:27 - Janeen GoLightly (Guest)
Yeah, because you really. It really is true. I lived it. You don't understand who you are at 19. Would I have avoided my divorce from him? Probably not, but I could have done it a little bit more of a healthier way and left a few less people in my wake. That's definitely one thing I would tell my younger self. The other thing I've learned through all of this is to not be so selfish. I didn't realize for a long time that that I was selfish in a lot of ways, and you know it's not all about one person in a marriage. You got to have that partnership, so I've had to learn and grow into that. 

04:02 - Stacey (Host)
And then there's sometimes you hear about people who get married young and it works out. 

04:05 - Mark (Host)
It works out. 

04:05 - Stacey (Host)
Yes, it's nuts. 

04:08 - Janeen GoLightly (Guest)
So I know a couple that they met in junior high and they're still married, still together. 

04:13 - Mark (Host)
My sister, my brother, my parents were all married in their teens. I'm sorry not married, met in their teens 15 years old. 

04:18 - Stacey (Host)
Really yeah, and they're all still together. 

04:20 - Mark (Host)
Yeah, and they're all still together. Wow, I think that's amazing, isn't it great? Yeah. 

04:28 - Stacey (Host)
I think you had mentioned at some point. I saw or read or something, cause I've been stalking you that you were blissfully happy walking down the aisle but then you felt like you were drowning in that first year and I'm sure there's tons of people who can sort of relate to that. So happy you're in that honeymoon mode and then all of a sudden you're like, ooh, what did I do? 

04:45 - Janeen GoLightly (Guest)
Right, yeah, cause, especially women, right, young girls we think about our weddings, our, our marriages and everything, and and you don't really think so much beyond that what, what is that going to look like? What's your relationship really going to be? And you really don't know that person all that well when you get married. That young, but even even later, I mean a lot of people do rush into marriage for different reasons. Might be religious reasons For me that was true and if you're not really strong and really mature, the two of you, that you can work things through together, then sometimes it can be disastrous and other times you're just unhappy. 

05:17 - Stacey (Host)
And who wants to be unhappy. Nobody wants to be unhappy. But then you found happiness again, so you got married two more times since then. 

05:24 - Janeen GoLightly (Guest)
I did. 

05:27 - Stacey (Host)
Which is cool. Like I've been, I'm on my second marriage. He's on his second marriage. 

05:31 - Janeen GoLightly (Guest)
Yeah, I mean I have nothing against second marriages at all, but yes, I did get married again. I went from bad to worse. You don't realize what you're taking on when you get into a second marriage sometimes and I have had a very happy life aside from the problems I had in marriages. 

05:45 - Stacey (Host)
And I'm sure there was a lot of positives in those marriages as well. 

05:48 - Janeen GoLightly (Guest)
Absolutely, yes, absolutely. 

05:55 - Mark (Host)
Are there things you wish you had done before the ending of your first marriage? Your book is kind of about that, like what should you really do to try to save, but even for that first marriage, when you were essentially a child? 

06:02 - Janeen GoLightly (Guest)
I was a child. 

06:03 - Mark (Host)
I mean in 19,. We're all pretty immature. 

06:10 - Janeen GoLightly (Guest)
We are, oh yeah, for sure. Once you leave that first marriage, it's easier to leave the next time when things, when the going gets rough, it's just it's easier. I've done this before, but I got my daughter out of that marriage. I have no regrets whatsoever Now. I've needed some time to heal, for sure, and I've taken it. 

06:22 - Mark (Host)
So what are those things that you wish you had done? 

06:25 - Janeen GoLightly (Guest)
Some of the things I wish I would have done was actually sat down and said, hey, I'm feeling unhappy or I'm feeling restless or I'm what. What are you thinking? And maybe how could we make this better? And why aren't we connecting and you know, just actually talked, instead of getting into my own head and thinking, okay, I'm not happy, so I want out, with no consideration Again, it's the immaturity I was in, but you know no consideration for what he was thinking. But maybe had we come together, we could have talked through and been like, yeah, we want to stay together, so let's. And we had two small kids that's where this book started was. I had been thinking for a lot of years. These are things I wish I would have done these 30 days. These are things I actually wish I would have done the first time around, and I think I still would have gotten divorced from him, but I think I would have been in a better place than I would have known for sure, cause I did have my doubts whether I did the right thing or not. 

07:20 - Mark (Host)
But that's the whole point of your book. Like to go through these exercises and then you are 100% confident that the right move for your life is to just end it or not. 

07:29 - Janeen GoLightly (Guest)
Yes, you know it in your gut, or you might go through this and be like we have a lot of good in our relationship. We should keep working on this. We should try harder. I'm hoping that will happen with people as well. It's a hard thing to go through, no question, so what? 

07:44 - Stacey (Host)
is the 30-day process. 

07:45 - Janeen GoLightly (Guest)
Ask yourself am I willing to start my life over? 

07:49 - Mark (Host)
It's a big one. 

07:50 - Janeen GoLightly (Guest)
Yeah, yeah, because there's so much involved with starting your life over. Right, you might, as a woman, stay in the house with your kids, but you might have to move, and then you have to take your kids away from their friends, and then they have to change schools, and there's all kinds of different things to think about when you're getting a divorce. It isn't just, oh, I won't have to be with this person anymore and I am here to say life can definitely. It doesn't end with divorce. It can definitely be very positive, it can be even better the second time around. 

08:18
Seek advice from a close family member. This is getting toward the end of the 30 days and maybe it's your mom, maybe it's your big brother, somebody that you trust, who sometimes you can't see it from the outside looking in. Now I will say my dad. He tried so hard to talk me out of that first divorce and I just could not be talked out of it. I mean, he knew that what I was going to be in for so walk me through what someone who would buy your book would do. 

08:44 - Stacey (Host)
So it's someone who's thinking this might be over. Right, my marriage might be over. They see your book and they start to read it. 

08:51 - Janeen GoLightly (Guest)
Let me tell you why. 

08:52
I wrote the title. Should I go back? Why giving your marriage one last try could actually help you move on. So my third marriage, I found out some information. My husband had been cheating for longer than we'd been married with the same woman. This is not something you stay in and I knew that. But he was so devastated that I was going to leave him. He begged me to stay. He's like please give me another chance. Just, he was crying, he was sobbing. I mean, he was doing all the things, all the right things. 

09:24
He had broken that relationship off a year prior and I I got to a point where I thought, you know, I I'm not quite ready to pull the trigger on this. I'm going to give him a shot, I'm going to see what he does. So I did and, and literally for the first five months, I am telling you, I thought that we were going to pull that off. I thought we were going to make it work. He was amazing and I I mean we at that point we'd been married eight years and I thought we were going to make it work. He was amazing and I I mean we at that point we'd been married eight years and I thought this is the best five months we've ever had. It's just been wonderful until the night I walked into the bedroom. 

10:04
I came around the corner into the closet and I caught him hiding his cell phone in the clothes, clear up on top of the shelf. Him hiding his cell phone in the clothes, clear up on top of the shelf, and I knew in my gut. That's when I knew in my heart and soul you know what? You just showed me, that you are the person that I said I was leaving, you aren't going to change, you're not changing. And sure enough, he was seeing someone else, someone new. 

10:27
And that came to light. Yep, and I got that phone call from her. So she called. I know I was stunned. He had an office in a different state. It was often gone. Now I then I started to realize why. But um, she knew he was married and so she told him you need to tell your wife, and he said that's not going to happen. So she, she called me, told him you need to tell your wife, and he said that's not going to happen. So she, she called me. So there we were again. So then I knew there are more than two, there are more than oh my gosh, so I thought I'm definitely not sticking around for to find out the rest. What? 

11:00 - Stacey (Host)
is up with that I do not know. I so a complete don't look at me, I wasn't there I mean I'm sure I'm sure women we're looking at you, but like how can men think they can get away with that bullshit? I do not know and you have everything like what's the point? What do they want? It's ego, what is? 

11:19 - Janeen GoLightly (Guest)
ego. Yeah, it's because yeah they're. I mean, I've analyzed that situation since then I literally cut that off and I have not spoken to him since sorry, sorry, you went through that. 

11:35
So clearly you were at a spot where it was not worth fighting for prior to the five month thing where it was worth. Back then you gave him a shot. I wanted to give it a shot, so then it really stuck with me. I was like that's what I needed. I needed to really know. I had to see it with my own eyes and that's what helped me walk away and go. 

11:52 - Mark (Host)
I'm good, I'm really good. So how can you help other people determine if they're in a spot where it is worth fighting for or it's not? 

11:57 - Stacey (Host)
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12:19 - Mark (Host)
So how can you help other people determine if they're in a spot where it is worth fighting for or it's not? 

12:24 - Janeen GoLightly (Guest)
I mean, I think they need to have conversations with their spouses too, but they need to say, maybe sit down and make a list what are the positives in my marriage? What are the negatives? I know that's old school, but do the negatives outweigh the positives? Because in this case, yes, they did. And honestly I say, if your spouse is cheating or they're an alcoholic or they're abusing, you right. I just don't think you stay for things like that. I don't think you stay and find out if they're going to change. And I mean sometimes people can cheat and completely change. I think I haven't seen it. I've seen people try to go back and make it work, but those, those guys that really cheat, they can't, they can't stop. You can find a good marriage, but don't be like me and don't say oh, I, just now I'm going to go be with somebody else. 

13:13 - Mark (Host)
Or I'm going to be with somebody who's more exciting. I don't know how long you're married the first time a handful of years, perhaps six years? 

13:16 - Janeen GoLightly (Guest)
So six years, and how long was your second? Eight years, eight years Wow. 

13:18 - Mark (Host)
Guess how many the last one was probably a lot longer right. 

13:21 - Janeen GoLightly (Guest)
It was 10. I'm getting better. 

13:24 - Mark (Host)
Let's just say, people are married for like a year and they're like I'm out, it's not what I thought it was. 

13:30 - Janeen GoLightly (Guest)
Like did they really give it a go? That's a good question. That's why I was. That is a really good question and I'm of the, you know, I've often found myself saying good for them. So sometimes I think, okay, they, maybe they knew in a year. This is not for me, I'm going to cut bait and run. I think for some people that maybe is the right decision, because you don't ever know what's going on in their marriage, right? You just don't know. If it's just for flippant reasons like, yeah, I don't know, I want something more exciting or whatever, Well, they're probably not mature enough to to stick it out and give it another go. 

14:05 - Mark (Host)
We just had somebody else on the show the angry therapist. 

14:09 - Janeen GoLightly (Guest)
And he talked about breakups. 

14:11 - Mark (Host)
John Kim. He talked about the different types of breakups. The first one I think we talked about was called the flat soda. He termed it the flat soda where there's nothing left. There's no fizz, there's nothing. But that's a really hard divorce to initiate because there's a lot to lose. There's no reason to stay, but there's a lot to lose. 

14:31 - Janeen GoLightly (Guest)
I think it's money that's. 

14:32 - Stacey (Host)
I think it's always it's always created I think it's always about the money if they're not getting divorced, it's because they don't want to buck up. Yes, I feel like most people say. 

14:42 - Janeen GoLightly (Guest)
A lot of men say I can't afford to get a divorce yes, yeah, you hear that. 

14:45 - Stacey (Host)
well, sorry, we don't mean, we don't mean to man bash it's financially devastating for many men and women. 

14:52 - Mark (Host)
It can be. 

14:53 - Janeen GoLightly (Guest)
I can also speak on the other side that that's not always true. Like this last marriage, I did not do well, I had to pick myself back up and pretty much start over. I mean, he was so protected and the attorneys now they're putting out a deal out there these days that says, hey, tell your wife she can stay in the house for three years, five years, whatever. And then when, when she leaves, you get the house and all that's in it. That happened to me, it's happened to a couple of friends of mine and the reason we take the deal is because our kids are more important to us. I wanted my daughter to be in the house, I wanted to be in the same neighborhood, you know. I mean, there's trade-offs. I'm glad I did what I did and I just socked money away while I stayed in the house. But it's worse to stay in a loveless, awful, abusive marriage. 

15:40 - Stacey (Host)
After the third marriage. When did you, when did you decide to write the book? And how, like how, did it come into your brain and were you like oh, this is what I'm going to do. I'm going to write a book. 

15:50 - Janeen GoLightly (Guest)
It actually came into my brain in the middle of the night. One night I woke up and I just had this thought I need to write this down on paper, cause I was like I don't know. It was just cycling through my brain. These are the things I wish I would have done. You know, that might've put me more at peace. 

16:07
I think the reason I say that I'm so big on peace is because I wasn't at peace when I left my first marriage and I think that's why I tumbled into some of these other issues and some of these other relationships. It's about avoiding the chaos following divorce. If you can, can do that. I do my best, thinking when I'm sleeping or when I'm on the back of a Harley and I haven't been on the back of one of those in a while, so I don't miss the husband, I miss the Harley, I don't know. It just hit me and I started writing it down and it did turn into a book. It took me about a year or so. It just was in me and it needed to come out, probably for my own self. 

16:40 - Stacey (Host)
Right More than anything. Probably cathartic, but also it helps people. 

16:51 - Janeen GoLightly (Guest)
So what do you think the biggest take home is when you get out of that marriage? Just know that you did everything you possibly could. This is just to get you started thinking your situations are going to be different If you're on the fence. If you're going, I want to get a divorce, but I don't know how to tell him I want a divorce. I just you know the kids, my parents. It's going to look bad. All the reasons, right Appearances. A lot of people stay in marriages for appearances. Maybe you're emotionally, you're at checked out. Okay, maybe for the next month, check yourself back in and just start to do some of these exercises. Start to sit down and self-reflect. Sit down and talk to your husband about some things there's some simple things in there, there's some hard things in there and then see how you feel at the end of the 30 days. Before it turned into a book, this was a list I already had written down before I divorced my last husband. 

17:44 - Stacey (Host)
So I did try to do some of these things with him. I knew there was no way that it could possibly be salvaged. The bottom line is because you did these things you took a deep breath and you're like, oh okay, that was the right choice. I'm not talking twice about it this time. 

17:53 - Janeen GoLightly (Guest)
And then I saw clearly and I think that it can do that for anyone. It'll help you see clearly and you know what, even if you're not heading down the path of divorce, maybe you could just use a little bit of a refresh. This can help you, I believe it can help. You can help you. 

18:07 - Stacey (Host)
I believe it can help you what's the hardest thing in the book to do? What's the easiest thing in the book? 

18:10 - Janeen GoLightly (Guest)
The easiest thing is on day 26,. I say create an escape list. So I did this in my marriage. Don't you have a list where you say, okay, I need a break today. What makes me happy? Go take a bath and read a book, or head up to your favorite shopping place or whatever it is, you know, go to the beach. Have a list so you get to one day you get to just spend time creating your escape list and maybe even that can help you and you're maybe in a difficult marriage. You don't want to leave. That can help in that situation. Okay, one of the hardest things? For sure it involves sitting down with your spouse. 

18:46
If that's your relationship, sitting down and talking is the hardest thing you can do well, and what about if you have to sit down and have dinner with them, make dinner with them and you have to sit down now talk about what went wrong in your marriage. But when you're in that situation and it's combative or it's emotional, it really is a hard thing to do. If you can get yourself to do it and if you can get your spouse to agree, gosh, there might be hope is there couples therapy in there there. 

19:08 - Stacey (Host)
Do you suggest that they go see a third party or no? 

19:11 - Janeen GoLightly (Guest)
I don't talk about couples therapy in here, but I'm definitely these days all about it. I've been with too many men who say they do not agree. Sorry, again, here I go. 

19:24 - Stacey (Host)
I'm going to go. Thanks, guys. 

19:25 - Janeen GoLightly (Guest)
Mark's walking out. But too many men will say I'm not going, I don't want to, I'm not going to therapy, I don't, I don't need therapy. Um, my, my last husband, he, he agreed to go to therapy. He said, fine, I'll, I'll agree to do therapy. We went to a session. It was, I thought, very productive. The guy said, hey, go out to the desk, sign up for whatever. And we walk out and he just walks out the door and I said are we going to? You know he goes, I'm not going back, he goes. I went. I told you I would go to therapy. I went to therapy. 

19:55 - Mark (Host)
Is there an avenue to say that the work you do, leading up to confirming in your mind that I should get a divorce because I did the 30 steps, I did all the introspection, all the communication, does that help the relationship after the divorce. 

20:17 - Janeen GoLightly (Guest)
Yes, 100%. I'm going to say yes Because then you both know and I think you both know that you really gave it a shot and you both came to the conclusion that, yeah, we need to move on. And then it's like sigh of relief. It takes work. If I had realized that it was going to be this much work just after the divorce to maintain the relationships and the kids and all the things that you deal with, I might've just stayed married. Yeah. 

20:44 - Stacey (Host)
So what is next for you? What are you thinking like in the future? Are you writing another book or are you just right now concentrating on this one? And how can we help you? 

20:52 - Janeen GoLightly (Guest)
Oh, you guys are great. Yeah, so I have. I am thinking of the next book. I work at KUTV in Salt Lake and I love my job there, and I do have the idea for a new book that is along the same line. So I'd like to find time to do that. I know I'm really open about my experiences and the things I've been through. 

21:19
If you are considering getting a divorce, if it's going around in your brain and you're just not sure what you should do, or that you even want to do it or how to do it, do these exercises in this book, because I'm telling you it'll either bring you back together or it will help you make the decision. It's going to get you out of limbo. And if you have made that hard, fast decision that I don't care what anyone says, I am doing this, I'm getting this divorce, I would still ask you to reconsider for 30 days for yourself, not that you're going to get, not that you're going to stay together, but just for yourself, so you can get in a better place, less defiant, less, um, hardcore about. I want this divorce. Think about your kids, be a little bit more thoughtful, use your common sense and just try to put yourself in a better place. I promise, and even if you don't buy the book, take the ideas that you're hearing and just try to think through it thoughtfully. Be a little less emotional. I think that's really my message. 

22:18 - Mark (Host)
I love it. Thank you, yeah, so good stuff, awesome Good. 

22:22 - Janeen GoLightly (Guest)
Well, thank you so much for coming on the show it's been great, thanks for having me. You guys are fun. It's been awesome. Same same here. 

22:30 - Mark (Host)
Thank you, you be well and take care. Thank you guys for watching. Thank you everybody. 

22:38 - Stacey (Host)
You're still here. You're still listening. Thanks for listening to the Gurus and Game Changers podcast While you're here. If you enjoyed it, please take a minute to rate this episode and leave us a quick review. We want to know what you thought of the show and what you took from it and how it might have helped you. We read and appreciate every comment. Thanks, See you next week.