Man-Splaining Much? | Ep 038

➡️ About the Guest: Mike Van Pelt, Men's Life Coach

Founder of True Man Life Coaching, Mike Van Pelt, opens up about the often hidden struggles men face in today's fast-paced society. 

Known as the “Comeback Coach,” Mike founded True Man Life Coaching as a specialized coaching service to help others reach their maximum potential and achieve excellence. Mike’s primary purpose in starting True Man Life Coaching was to assist men who have misinterpreted the directions of their lives. He believes men want success and satisfaction in each and every area of their lives and are looking for a roadmap of discovery back to their true minds and hearts. 

His goal is to become an instrument of guidance and healing to lift the heavy heart loads that many men carry with them every day.Through an enlightening conversation, we unravel how chaos can foster fear and confusion, making it hard for men to lead their families confidently. Mike brings a unique Christian-based perspective, offering insights valuable for everyone, including women aiming to understand the men in their lives. This episode offers a deep dive into the common emotions men experience and the crucial need for safe spaces where they can express their feelings authentically.

Touching on heavy yet critical topics, we discuss the loneliness and isolation plaguing middle-aged men, contributing to alarming suicide rates. Mike shares the transformative power of men's groups, emphasizing intentional conversations that foster better fathers, husbands, and community members. The importance of emotional authenticity is a key theme, as we advocate for men to embrace vulnerability as a genuine masculine trait. We also explore the need for intergenerational connections and the benefits of finding purpose through community support. Tune in for a heartfelt, eye-opening discussion that underscores the universal need for connection and understanding.

➡️ Chapters
(00:02) - Understanding Men's Minds
(06:16) - Loneliness and Isolation
(14:48) - Masculinity and Emotional Authenticity

➡️ Highlights
(03:08 - 04:35) Navigating Challenges of Modern Masculinity (87 Seconds)
(08:47 - 09:28) Coaching Men in Need (41 Seconds)
(16:14 - 17:16) Redefining Masculinity (61 Seconds)
(21:57 - 22:56) Men's Desires in Relationships (59 Seconds)

➡️ More about the guest: Mike Van Pelt
True man Life Coaching Website:  https://truemanlifecoaching.com/
X: https://x.com/truemancoaching?lang=en
Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/@truemanpodcast
True Man Podcast: https://truemanlifecoaching.com/true-man-podcast

Connect with our Hosts:
Stacey: https://www.instagram.com/staceymgrant/
Mark: https://www.instagram.com/mark_lubragge_onair/

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Transcript

00:02 - Stacey (Host)
So, Stacey, how confident are you that you truly know what goes on in the minds of the men in your life? 

00:09 - Mark (Host)
I have to say I really have no clue. 

00:11 - Stacey (Host)
You know what? I applaud you for being honest. I'm honest Because I 100% believe that very few people truly understand the volume and the depth of what your typical guy thinks. 

00:22 - Mark (Host)
I don't think I want to know. I've got to be honest. I don't think I really want to know there's that. 

00:26 - Stacey (Host)
But there's a guy named Mike Van Pelt that we had on this show, this episode, that he does want to know and he's a life coach for men. 

00:35 - Mark (Host)
He really has men's groups, his True man podcast, and he really I think he's one of those guys that you're going to want to go hang out with and talk to as a man and tell him the stuff that's been happening in your life that you necessarily don't want to talk about that you don't tell anybody. 

00:49 - Stacey (Host)
Yeah, there's a whole lot in every man's mind that he doesn't tell anybody didn't you feel that way when you talked to him? You could have like start divulging yeah, I think he's easy to talk to and he's because of his experience, because of his background. He can certainly help you process the things that you're telling him, and it's not necessarily all negative things, although you might be as surprised as I was when I asked him what the uh, the most common negative emotion. That was interesting. 

01:13
I didn't expect that answer Um that that his his people see or that he sees when they come to him. But, um, overall, just a great conversation about a guy who understands men. Right, I mean, he is one, obviously, but he has a lot of people share a lot of stuff with him and he helps them process it. Now, he's very faith based and Christian based. 

01:34 - Mark (Host)
He is. 

01:35 - Stacey (Host)
But this is. This is a lot of good content for anyone. 

01:38 - Mark (Host)
But he also doesn't cut out women, so like if you're a woman, don't think you're not going to want to listen to this, because there are some things that he does to help women because he's helping men that are in women's lives and he truly believes that and it's kind of an interesting insight. If you're a woman, so listen to it. 

01:56 - Stacey (Host)
It's interesting, if you're a woman, to understand exactly what's in the mind of that person sitting across the table from you? 

02:01 - Mark (Host)
I still don't know and I don't even think I want to know still sitting across the table from you. 

02:05 - Stacey (Host)
I still don't know, and I don't even think I want to know still, and it changes daily, but we don't share, so you'll never know at the end of the day. 

02:14
Mike Van Pelt. Hi, I'm Stacey and I am Mark, and this is the Gurus at Game Changers podcast. Hey, everybody, welcome to Gurus at Game Changers. Today we're going to go to a place that is very seldom visited and probably even less so ever discussed. It is a place that is sometimes very isolated, but it's crowded. At the same time, it's unhealthy, but it's always grateful, and it can be very exhausting, but nonetheless there's still a relentlessness there. 

02:39
Where is this place? This place is the mind of a man right. Our guest today, mike Van Pelt. He's a men's life coach and author, a speaker, the founder of True man Life Coaching, and through this he helps men find that meaning and that satisfaction that they once had, so they can get their mojo back. Does it sound familiar? Does it strike a chord right? And for you ladies out there, even if you're not one of these men, you know these men and they are not letting you know that they are, these men. 

03:08
So today we're going to rip the roof off what it means to be a man and everything that that implies, all the challenges and so on and so forth, with one of the experts on the subject, mike Van Pelt. Mike, thank you for joining us in studio. I appreciate it. Welcome to the show. 

03:23 - Mike Van Pelt (Guest)
I mean, I don't know how I can top that intro, so I guess we're done here. 

03:28 - Stacey (Host)
It was great having you Take care buddy Pretty solid yeah. 

03:31 - Mark (Host)
So, good to have you. 

03:32 - Mike Van Pelt (Guest)
Yeah, no thanks for having me. I'm excited to be here, so I'm going to jump. We live in such chaotic times, so much chaos, and chaos really leads to fear, and when you have fear, it holds you back. All of these things going on in the world and it causes confusion. 

04:03
Now, men or women are both confused on this issue, so don't get me wrong, but I work most intimately with men men that need to lead their families well, but when all this chaos is going on, it's hard to lead your families well, and so I think this is the challenge that we face right now who do you listen to, who do you trust in a world where it doesn't feel like you can trust anybody? How do you maneuver around in all this? And I think these are the challenges that are facing men. I think there's a hunger out there and, quite honestly, what I found is that a lot of guys don't know where to go get it or who to talk to or who can do. Can they even feel comfortable talking to you about that? So I hope that answers your question. 

04:51 - Mark (Host)
Yeah, yeah, I mean, there's obviously a lot, a lot of challenges in the world today. But so how come you're the guy that they're going to go to and get help with that? Like, what is it that you give to these men? 

05:04 - Mike Van Pelt (Guest)
Experience. You know I and get help with that like what is it that you give to these men experience. 

05:06
You know, I've been down that road. I talk with a lot of guys, I'm involved in a lot of groups, so I hear a lot of the same stories over and over again. So really, what somebody would get from me is experience and wisdom and, um, I know what it's like to go full bore every day and not slow down, and that's a big problem that a lot of guys have. They don't know how to hit the pause button, and that's really typically the first thing we need to work on is how do you slow down? 

05:33 - Stacey (Host)
I find that a lot of guys can be surrounded by people but still be very lonely, Right, yeah, what, what do you? How do you counsel men on that topic? Because that's that seems very fundamental. You're going to need people in your life. You need to open up. 

05:49 - Mike Van Pelt (Guest)
Yeah, loneliness and isolation are bad things. They're bad for us all. But men are really good at it. Women do a group stuff together really well. You know the, the old joke, women I mean. Somebody says I got to go to the bathroom and three or four women walk up and they go, walk out and go to the bathroom. Men don't do that. No, not at all, and you know. But it's not good. Isolation, um is when we do really bad nutty stuff, um, and then the interesting part about isolation and loneliness there's a loneliness epidemic. A lot of us don't have very many friends really, and the older you get, the harder it gets, it seems. But the worry about loneliness and isolation is this Middle-aged men in the United States are taking their lives faster than any other age back. 

06:46
Women make more attempts than men. Men choose lethal means to end it all. So when it's done, it's done, and this is a serious problem in this country. Mental health is a very serious problem in this country. Problem in this country. Mental health is a very serious problem in this country. In fact, the Surgeon General of the United States has called loneliness an epidemic. 

07:14
So it's a real problem, and so one of the reasons why I advise men's groups and why I've gotten involved in men's groups is if you're doing them right, you're having very intentional conversation, and my what I have found is that guys want to really have these conversations. 

07:31
They want to know how they can be better men, better dads and better fathers, and where one guy's weak another guy's strong, you can learn from another man, and so it's really important for us to find those groups where we can be in a trusted environment and learn from each other. 

07:49
When we learn from each other, we're strong. And where you find strong men, you will find strong families. And where you find strong families, you will find strong churches. And where you find strong churches, you will find strong communities, and we're very much missing that in this country, where there's this, you know, battle waging between you know, as a man, a man, as a woman, a woman, can you be one or the can you? You know all of these things going on that is leading to this chaos, and you know, to a large degree, god's been taken out of the picture, and you know. You know it's not wrong if you're a Christian. It's not wrong, and it's not right for every Christian to go around pointing fingers either, so that you know that's a wrong thing, that a lot of Christians do, but um a quick question. 

08:39 - Mark (Host)
So I know you just advise men, correct, so you, is there a reason why you just decided to coach? 

08:48 - Mike Van Pelt (Guest)
Yeah, that's a good question. Most people, when I said I was going to do this, said you're crazy. So why do you think I'm crazy? Well, women will hire a coach easier than a man will, and my joke with men is men never show up until they're bleeding out and really wounded before they'll ask for help. Now, that's a reactive approach versus a proactive approach, but I get it because I was in that position. 

09:23
But here's the thing, and this is really true of us all but we're all either coming out of, going into, or you're probably you know it's coming your way, that it that thing that happens in your life that stops you dead in your tracks and you're like well, how you know, you may think life's perfect right now, but something's coming. Are you ready for it? Are you ready for it? Are you ready for whatever is coming your way? You know, when the pandemic hit, I had big plans for what I wanted to do and all of a sudden, boom, I hit a wall. You know, and here's, here's what came out of that. So, in men's groups where we were telling each other don't wear a mask, keep it real, um, you be authentic, right, and now, all of a sudden, don't isolate yourself. Now, all of a sudden, I'm told to wear a mask, isolate and, like we would like look at each other going. We're calling each other on the phone, right, because we're like trying to figure it out. Like it like what are we supposed to do here? I don't understand. This is crazy, you know. 

10:36
And it got much worse for our family because on june 15th of 2020, my wife came home from a company she'd been with for 14 years and they decided in the hospitality business so you can imagine how that was going at that point and they decided they didn't need her position anymore. And so our family got dumped on its head and we were like now, what are we going to do? Now? The good news is we landed on our feet. It took us about a year, and in the middle of all that, my son graduated from high school and had to make a decision on a college. And in the middle of all that, my son graduated from high school and had to make a decision on a college, and my daughter was. I mean, this was like our family got crazy. Now we landed, okay, so we were taught I told you the story would come up. So we're in Atlanta now my wife is, you know, uh head of human resources for an organization, what she was doing before, and it's all good. 

11:32
But the point of that story is this had I not been in a place where I had an open heart and an open mind and an open line to God at that point in my life, I'm not sure we'd even be talking today. I think everything would have it felt like it was spinning out of control. But it really really no doubt would have spun out of control had I not had the relationship with Christ that I had. And so I just encourage people. You know, nobody wants to go through bad times, but it is called life and it will happen, whether you think it will or not. So I encourage guys, don't wait to bleed out before you take action on yourself. 

12:18 - Mark (Host)
It's preventative. Yeah, it's preventative. And so, like the makeup of your group, is you're very spiritual, obviously. What happens when a man comes to you and they're not maybe a believer in in Christ or God, or is that? Is that even a uh do? Are they still, you know, welcomed into the? 

12:37 - Mike Van Pelt (Guest)
group, or how does that work? Yeah, the answer is to that is yes, and I very, I very specifically call myself a Christian men's life coach. 

12:47 - Mark (Host)
Okay. 

12:48 - Mike Van Pelt (Guest)
Because I want people to know upfront this is where I'm coming from. Now, if somebody from outside that realm came to me, that would be a hint to me that they're curious about something. 

13:01
And so at that point I want to have a conversation with somebody and find out what they're curious about. Now, if it's an atheist, they're not coming to me anyway. Really, what I've done is I've defined myself as what I am and then we'll go from there. Here's the thing Churches in decline in America and I hate to say that there's a decline in people going to churches, especially the mainstream denominations, whether it's Catholic, lutheran, presbyterian, methodist, all these where the churches have been growing are these non-denominational Right, and so where you can go get a rock concert every Sunday and all this other stuff and just make sure you choose a biblically based church. That's all I'm saying. So there's been a decline in people going to church on Sunday. So where do you get church? You know, if you're not going to church, where do you go get church? You can go get it in a small group. It's a great place to do it. 

14:08 - Mark (Host)
So let me switch it a little bit up to like. I think I read that you talk about toxic masculinity. I mean, everyone sort of talks about toxic masculinity. What do you think that is, and what's a common misconception about being a masculine person? 

14:26 - Stacey (Host)
Hey guys, thanks for listening. If you like what you're hearing, please leave us a review, give us a follow, subscribe, all those things. We love it because we read each and every comment and it helps shape the show, so we would appreciate it. 

14:43 - Mike Van Pelt (Guest)
Please. And back to the show become, I believe, very media driven. Okay, and but what men need to know is that I commonly say I help men get out of their head and into their heart. Why is the heart important? Because that's where all the emotion is and I think if men need to do anything, they need to get in touch with that emotion and they need to get in touch with their heart and they need to know that it is very masculine to be vulnerable. It's very masculine to be authentic and I didn't really fully understand this again until I got more into the men's world and really that intimacy with Christ. I remember when I first was going to some men's groups I would look at some of the leaders and I'd be like man, they tear, they tear up really fast, like what's up with? 

15:31 - Stacey (Host)
that. 

15:33 - Mike Van Pelt (Guest)
Now, that's me. 

15:34 - Stacey (Host)
I mean I can watch them. 

15:36 - Mike Van Pelt (Guest)
I can see an advertisement and the tears start coming, and that's a very masculine place uh to be, because you're in touch with your emotions, not just anger, right, everybody goes, men always. It's the biggest topic at at, uh, you know men's small group, like you know that whole anger issue, and I understand that, but it's, you know, we're not. Men are not typically in touch with their emotions and that's what we need to get in touch with. That is a very masculine place to be in a very masculine place to be in. 

16:14 - Stacey (Host)
And I look, I think that that most guys would understand and appreciate that, right, it is masculine, it is okay to be vulnerable, it is okay to feel sadness, it is okay to feel any emotion that is not an aggressive, competitive emotion. 

16:23
But at the same time, I think and in your words, I don't know if you said them or wrote them somewhere men are now more afraid than ever to be masculine, to be free and to be alive, right? 

16:32
So there is this assault on just masculinity, that, all of a sudden, that bucket of toxicity includes just being masculine, and I think that's where we're going wrong. It's okay to be masculine, unless there's a nefarious use of it for intimidation or for right hundred percent. I think the problem is that just general masculinity, in this country at least, has been deemed a magic wand, has been waved and has been said oh, you're being masculine, therefore it's toxic. And I, I personally, could not disagree more with you. Know, and and I I think, based on your words, I think you agree with that as well men are more afraid than ever to be masculine and I think that, based on your words, I think you agree with that as well, men are more afraid than ever to be masculine, and I think that's the way it's come out you need to push them the other direction. 

17:16
There's teens and young men, like in their 20s, early 20s, really just coming into manhood right, we all think we're men at 21 years old we're not. 

17:26 - Mike Van Pelt (Guest)
Oh yeah, right it's reality. 

17:28 - Stacey (Host)
You need to go through some stuff, right? Um, what? What do you have? What words? Sage, words of advice? 

17:35 - Mike Van Pelt (Guest)
Oh yeah, out in age brackets, but the last two are Kings, and then you graduate to a Sage which is the guys that are usually they call them 60 and above this, gray haired guys that have all this life knowledge. I think what young people and this works both ways, so I'm going to work it like this young people, I would encourage them to seek out Kings and sages in their life, guys that have been there, that have lived a little. And men, if you're in the King stage, if you're in your fifties, if you're in the sage stage, you're in your sixties or seventies, seek out the young people. We're too quick to point to these young people and I got a 21 year old and a 19. 

18:28
I got what? A sophomore and a freshman in college. So I'm exposed to these young people. They have a different view of life. Guess what? You have a different view of life, but you're never going to come together. Yeah, you know if you don't talk about what's going on. And I think the young people should seek out the older people and the older people should seek out the young people and just find out what's going on. 

18:51 - Mark (Host)
Well, let me ask you then, so what would be like, like just you know, just to kind of encapsulate like three things you would advise men these days, in order to be a better man. 

19:05 - Stacey (Host)
Good question question. 

19:18 - Mike Van Pelt (Guest)
Don't be afraid to ask for help. So I would say ask powerful questions, be curious Curious is a part of that and don't go it alone. Have a wingman, have a buddy, have a buddy, find a group. You're no good on your own. Don't be out there isolating yourself. And I would really encourage men to discover what their purpose is. If they don't know what it is, you know um, because when you don't know what your purpose is, you just kind of walk around aimless. Yeah. 

19:55 - Stacey (Host)
And there's so many great things that you can be a part of All the men that come to you and ask you to help them get the meaning back in their lives right and maybe, to your point, move from their mind to their heart. What emotions do you see inside them that they are not showing? What emotions do they have, more than anything else, that they're keeping pent up? 

20:17 - Mike Van Pelt (Guest)
A lot of guys carry so much shame, shame, things that have happened in their life. One of the things and I don't want to say it surprises me anymore, it doesn't is how many things happen to and I'm going to say people in general, not just men when they're young, young. It's funny how the devil seems to find us when we're six, seven, eight years old and something happens where it's a physical abuse or a sexual abuse or finding pornography or just a wide range of things that happen. Most of them are extremely uncomfortable and most of them change our lives and the direction of our lives at a very young age. And, um, you know. 

21:09
So there's a lot of shame that that people carry around, and guys in particular. We bury our feelings, hoping that we don't ever have to express them. And unfortunately, where those feelings come out to express them, and unfortunately, where those feelings come out is in relationship. And so you know, it's hard to marry somebody and have a quality relationship with them. When you're hiding something and guys are really good at hiding things, and I know, I was an expert at hiding things and when you're hiding things, you're not being authentic with yourself. And when you can't be authentic with yourself. You can't be authentic with the people you engage with, particularly your spouse and or your children. 

21:57 - Stacey (Host)
Staying on that topic, what do these men want? They're the women in their lives, let's say their spouse, just, or the significant other. What real? What do they really want those women to know? But they're not saying wow, um, interesting. 

22:17 - Mike Van Pelt (Guest)
I I really do think that men want to reveal their heart, but they're fearful. If they do and the truth comes out about, maybe, who they were or what they've done, that it's over and um, it, it, it. There's no doubt that you know past things could damage a relationship this is awesome. Yeah. 

22:44 - Mark (Host)
This has been an incredible conversation. I've learned a lot about men, about men. Yeah, that's the goal. 

22:49 - Stacey (Host)
That was the goal of having Mike on the show, so you don't learn about men everywhere, just for me to learn about men. Thank, you. 

22:55 - Mark (Host)
Mark, that was really kind of you. So how can we help you get the word out about the True man podcast or about a retreat that you're doing or like? 

23:06 - Mike Van Pelt (Guest)
we like to kind of try and help our guests however we can. Yeah, I'm doing, I'm trying to to move more into group activity. That's kind of where I started, and I do do individual coaching. But yeah, I mean, if you want to learn more about what I do we're always trying to upgrade and add stuff to the website you can go to my website at truemanlifecoachingcom and the podcast is on my website, but it's truemanpodcastcom. We'll take you right into the website. 

23:35 - Mark (Host)
So, thank you. Thank you so much for your time, mike this has been such a pleasure. Yeah, no, I really have enjoyed this and I've learned a lot and you've learned. You've learned a lot it's been great. 

23:45 - Stacey (Host)
No, look, I love this topic, so I'm glad we had something he was very excited for this podcast. 

23:50 - Mike Van Pelt (Guest)
I'm glad you like this topic. 

23:51 - Stacey (Host)
I'd be a little disappointed, right, right, right right I even think I said that to you in the communications that we had back and forth. Like I've been looking forward to having somebody on of your caliber to talk about this topic for a while. 

24:02 - Mike Van Pelt (Guest)
You know this is important. You know, because when men get talked about, typically it's um, you know, we're, we're the butt of a joke. You know, if you go back and look at all the movies historically, look at the dads, look at the dads in movies, or the grandpas or the crazy uncle Right, and so men get portrayed in a bad light, and I think that that causes confusion. And you know, um, we're more than that and we need to be more than that and we need to step up and be more than that. 

24:36
And, um, I believe that we can be more than that. We just need to come together and learn from each other and talk about you know what we're doing right or what we're doing wrong. So I, you know, I love this stuff. 

24:52 - Stacey (Host)
It's great Well put A hundred percent. Thank you, Mike. 

24:54 - Mark (Host)
Thank you Be well and thank you all for watching. You're still here. You're still listening. Thanks for listening to the Gurus and Game Changers podcast While you're here. If you enjoyed it, please take a minute to rate this episode and leave us a quick review. We want to know what you thought of the show and what you took from it and how it might have helped you. We read and appreciate every comment. Thanks, See you next week.